Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Dating Etiquette 101

Well well well, it seems like it is time for a refresher on dating etiquette!

Do you keep your smartphone on the table during a date? Unless you're waiting for seriously fabulous or seriously scary news, put it away. If you absolutely must have it out (for the aforementioned reasons only), tell your date why, and then put it to the side.

I've blogged about this next issue before, but it bears repeating. If someone is diggin' you, but you're not really diggin' them, please don't give them your number knowing you'll never pick up their call or return it. Instead, practice this in the mirror until it rolls off your tongue: "I really enjoyed meeting you. I don't know that there's a romantic connection between us, but I would like to hang out sometime as friends - if you're up for that." It's not easy to say, but saying something that is both honest and gentle is the way to go. It also puts them in the driver's seat in a way, allowing them to be the person who says yes or no to continuing communication.

When you do meet someone that you really like, take a cue from the straight boys and SET UP THE SECOND DATE ON THE FIRST DATE! Excitement wanes as time passes. Have a second date idea in your head and be confident! Ask him to brunch at your favorite place; offer to take her to the Art Institute. Besides, doesn't it feel much better to have the anticipation of seeing the person again, rather than wondering if they will ever call?

A few other housekeeping dating rules:
No cursing
No talking about ex's
No name-dropping
Only say positive things (don't even talk negatively about the weather!)
No gum chewing. (Why? Because you don't look good doing it.)

What are YOUR dating guidelines? What makes you crazy on a date?

Monday, July 2, 2012

Jump in! The water's just fine...



Welcome, Anderson Cooper!

In light of Anderson's recent coming out, I felt compelled to address this issue. As a matchmaker, I've heard countless coming out stories over the last 7 years. Most of our clients are pretty much "out", but there are some who have chosen to not come out to their families, or at work. They have various reasons, but it always seems to come down to this: because no one asks, my client doesn't say anything. But because he doesn't say anything, no one asks. It's a very weird cycle that doesn't stop until he or she decides to say something.

Based on the coming out stories I've heard, the majority of the time, it always ends up better than you think it's going to. Certainly not always; and we've all heard about the awful bullying that goes on. But the majority of people I've talked to have said, "It was so much easier than I thought it would be."

Additionally, you have to look at this from a generational standpoint. Different generations surprise us. For instance, take Cher. An entertainer with so many gay fans, but yet when Chaz (then Chastity) came out, she freaked out! One of my clients had, in her words, "hippy parents" - it was so liberal in her house growing up that she could have coed sleepovers and such. She finally comes out to her mom and dad, and they are upset! However, her grandmother, who was 75 at the time, pipes up and says "leave her alone!" Perhaps it skips a generation sometimes. No matter how liberal the parents seem to be, they always start thinking, "What did I do wrong?"

But parents seem mostly concerned with the downside of it. "Oh my poor baby is going to suffer because he/she is gay." They see the hate crimes, the bullying, so that's the first thing that comes up for them. As the person doing the coming out, we take that as a rejection. Tyler Clementi, after coming out to his parents before leaving for Rutgers University, told a friend that that his mother had "basically completely rejected" him. In later interviews, his mother says she was grieving; realizing that he would never marry and have children. She also said she felt betrayed that he did not confide in her he was gay sooner than he had. The point here is that she did not feel that she was rejecting him, but that's how it felt to him.

Most of you have now read Anderson Cooper's email to Andrew Sullivan, but there was one paragraph in particular that stood out for me:
"...I’ve begun to consider whether the unintended outcomes of maintaining my privacy outweigh personal and professional principle. It’s become clear to me that by remaining silent on certain aspects of my personal life for so long, I have given some the mistaken impression that I am trying to hide something - something that makes me uncomfortable, ashamed or even afraid. This is distressing because it is simply not true."

He totally gets it. And he's exactly right.

That being said, I truly believe that everyone has their own path when it comes to "coming out." It's an individual decision. I have clients who are very high up at Fortune 100 companies, and some of them aren't out at work. They've basically said to me, "Look, I've got a good thing going here, I make great money, I've been here for 20 years, and no way am I going to do anything to mess this up." I hear them loud and clear. I've been out to everybody for so long and I come out to people so quickly that I don't know what I would do if I was in their situation. Do you risk it all? Cross your fingers that it will be fine? Or do you stay in the closet? And then the cycle starts all over again.

There is no easy answer here. But I am very happy that Anderson has made his voice heard. Sure, it was something that most of us knew already, but it still makes me happy that he will open the eyes of some straight people who could use a little bit of enlightenment.