Dating Etiquette 101

Well well well, it seems like it is time for a refresher on dating etiquette!

Do you keep your smartphone on the table during a date? Unless you're waiting for seriously fabulous or seriously scary news, put it away. If you absolutely must have it out (for the aforementioned reasons only), tell your date why, and then put it to the side.

I've blogged about this next issue before, but it bears repeating. If someone is diggin' you, but you're not really diggin' them, please don't give them your number knowing you'll never pick up their call or return it. Instead, practice this in the mirror until it rolls off your tongue: "I really enjoyed meeting you. I don't know that there's a romantic connection between us, but I would like to hang out sometime as friends - if you're up for that." It's not easy to say, but saying something that is both honest and gentle is the way to go. It also puts them in the driver's seat in a way, allowing them to be the person who says yes or no to continuing communication.

When you do meet someone that you really like, take a cue from the straight boys and SET UP THE SECOND DATE ON THE FIRST DATE! Excitement wanes as time passes. Have a second date idea in your head and be confident! Ask him to brunch at your favorite place; offer to take her to the Art Institute. Besides, doesn't it feel much better to have the anticipation of seeing the person again, rather than wondering if they will ever call?

A few other housekeeping dating rules:
No cursing
No talking about ex's
No name-dropping
Only say positive things (don't even talk negatively about the weather!)
No gum chewing. (Why? Because you don't look good doing it.)

What are YOUR dating guidelines? What makes you crazy on a date?

Jump in! The water's just fine...

Welcome, Anderson Cooper!

In light of Anderson's recent coming out, I felt compelled to address this issue. As a matchmaker, I've heard countless coming out stories over the last 7 years. Most of our clients are pretty much "out", but there are some who have chosen to not come out to their families, or at work. They have various reasons, but it always seems to come down to this: because no one asks, my client doesn't say anything. But because he doesn't say anything, no one asks. It's a very weird cycle that doesn't stop until he or she decides to say something.

Based on the coming out stories I've heard, the majority of the time, it always ends up better than you think it's going to. Certainly not always; and we've all heard about the awful bullying that goes on. But the majority of people I've talked to have said, "It was so much easier than I thought it would be."

Additionally, you have to look at this from a generational standpoint. Different generations surprise us. For instance, take Cher. An entertainer with so many gay fans, but yet when Chaz (then Chastity) came out, she freaked out! One of my clients had, in her words, "hippy parents" - it was so liberal in her house growing up that she could have coed sleepovers and such. She finally comes out to her mom and dad, and they are upset! However, her grandmother, who was 75 at the time, pipes up and says "leave her alone!" Perhaps it skips a generation sometimes. No matter how liberal the parents seem to be, they always start thinking, "What did I do wrong?"

But parents seem mostly concerned with the downside of it. "Oh my poor baby is going to suffer because he/she is gay." They see the hate crimes, the bullying, so that's the first thing that comes up for them. As the person doing the coming out, we take that as a rejection. Tyler Clementi, after coming out to his parents before leaving for Rutgers University, told a friend that that his mother had "basically completely rejected" him. In later interviews, his mother says she was grieving; realizing that he would never marry and have children. She also said she felt betrayed that he did not confide in her he was gay sooner than he had. The point here is that she did not feel that she was rejecting him, but that's how it felt to him.

Most of you have now read Anderson Cooper's email to Andrew Sullivan, but there was one paragraph in particular that stood out for me:
"...I’ve begun to consider whether the unintended outcomes of maintaining my privacy outweigh personal and professional principle. It’s become clear to me that by remaining silent on certain aspects of my personal life for so long, I have given some the mistaken impression that I am trying to hide something - something that makes me uncomfortable, ashamed or even afraid. This is distressing because it is simply not true."

He totally gets it. And he's exactly right.

That being said, I truly believe that everyone has their own path when it comes to "coming out." It's an individual decision. I have clients who are very high up at Fortune 100 companies, and some of them aren't out at work. They've basically said to me, "Look, I've got a good thing going here, I make great money, I've been here for 20 years, and no way am I going to do anything to mess this up." I hear them loud and clear. I've been out to everybody for so long and I come out to people so quickly that I don't know what I would do if I was in their situation. Do you risk it all? Cross your fingers that it will be fine? Or do you stay in the closet? And then the cycle starts all over again.

There is no easy answer here. But I am very happy that Anderson has made his voice heard. Sure, it was something that most of us knew already, but it still makes me happy that he will open the eyes of some straight people who could use a little bit of enlightenment.

The New Year and Dating

January has always been a stellar month for us. People have been home for the holidays and been asked 10 times over "So who are you dating?" Ten times over the response has been "No one in particular."

Then New Year's Eve hits us. The night ends with either no kiss at midnight, or one that doesn't mean anything. New Year's resolutions kick in, and guess what? It's time to be proactive about your dating life!

You don't get a job sitting at home on the couch, and the perfect person for you doesn't fall from the sky and knock on your door. You have to put yourself in front of the people you want to meet. It's a pretty big message you send to the universe when you become an IGC client - many of my clients report that they hear from exes, and start meeting more people when they are out and about, in addition to the qualified matches we make for them. I believe the universe sees our effort and energy, and gives us exactly what we want.

We're so fortunate to work with such an amazing, talented, smart and successful group of clients. Kudos to all of you who take the risk and put yourselves out there! Dating is emotional, but we do everything we can to make it as easy as possible.

Speaking of holidays - don't let Valentine's Day sneak up on you. Call Shannon today to schedule your interview, and tell 2012 that you mean business!

I believe that 2012 is going to be an amazing year for us!

No Rest For The Weary

I wonder how many of us are aware of time. I mean, really aware of the time we have. I know for myself, I get up, and do the same routine every morning: grab a grande-sweetened-iced-coffee-with-soy-and-extra-ice, work work work, go home at some point to sleep, then start all over again. How many times have I done this? Thousands? Hundreds of thousands?

While I love my career and it's very fulfilling, I know in the back of my mind, I'm waiting for something big to happen. Whether it's a huge career opportunity, or that special person: I'm waiting for it. I continue my routine every single day, anticipating the "thing" that will swoop in to change my life and make it even better. From a professional standpoint, that actually might be happening. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, and it would be huge for IGC and my clients. If that comes to fruition, then the only other big change I want in my life would be a partner.

I think about my clients, and how smart they are to have someone looking out for their best interests. But who advises the CEO? Who trains the trainer? Who matches the matchmaker?

My clients are a busy lot: 60 hour work weeks, plus time at the gym. Add in family and friends, and there's little time to focus on dating. Which is obviously where In Good Company comes in. But with all our routines, do we really have time for a relationship? I'll have Client A meet Client B, and they both really enjoyed their time together. And Client A will have every intention of calling Client B and seeing him again. But Client A can't make it happen for another 2 weeks because of his schedule. Client B then wonders if Client A really has time for a relationship.

Does Client A wonder the same thing? Do we believe that when the right person comes along, everything really WILL change? Or, are we fooling ourselves into thinking that adding one more element into our bustling routine will actually make things easier, rather than more difficult? Dating is one thing; relationships are another.

For a long time it had seemed to me that life was about to begin – real life. But there was always some obstacle in the way, something to be gotten through first, some unfinished business, time still to be served, a debt to be paid. Life would begin. At last it dawned on me to see that these obstacles were my life. This perspective has helped me to see that there is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way. So, treasure every moment you have and treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time…and remember that time waits for no one… Happiness is a journey and not a destination. - Alfred D. Souza

Will Work For Love

The other day, a friend was lamenting to me about the difficulties in her relationship. She said, "I feel that it shouldn't be this much work." In talking about it further, I realized this went beyond her partner's odd sleeping habits or the fact that one of them wants to only eat vegan. The allowances and concessions (that I mentioned in an earlier blog) were becoming too large for my friend to handle.

One of them has an especially sharp tongue; words that sting fly out of her mouth with a swiftness that is disturbing. The other one travels so much for work that her partner feels neglected. Bottom line? They are starting to not get along and resentment is slowly but surely building. So I've been thinking: when it comes to relationships, when does the relationship work become too much work?

It's a very gray area. Relationships aren't all fun and games; there is work to be done, for sure. But know this: if the work you put into your relationship leaves you drained rather than energized, it might be time to explore your options. If the work you put into your relationship lessens your sexual desire for your partner, it's time for the two of you to sit down and have a serious discussion. Realizing there's an issue is a good first step.

Prizes Make The World Go 'Round

We all make allowances and concessions for our partners. You all know by now how I feel about gum chewing in public; yet my ex LOVED gum and I actually took a lot of pleasure in buying it for her anytime I was standing in the check-out line. My dad once told my step mom he loved it when her nails were painted red; now it's pretty much the only color she gets during her manicure.

I think it's important to do things for your partner that make them happy. In turn, it makes US happy. And it shows your partner that you care about them. One of the best ways to do that is to give prizes.

I'm a big advocate of prizes. And I mean prizes for no particular reason and with no particular price point. Now, do I prefer a prize that has a comma in the price tag? Of course. But can it also be a peanut butter cup? Absolutely. Prizes are a way of showing someone that you think about them even when they aren't around. That's what the gum was for me - a small way of showing her that she was on my mind when I was by myself.

Some people either don't believe in prizes, or they don't think they are necessary. Let me be the first to tell you; they are very necessary. When was the last time you picked up a Starbucks card before heading to your boyfriend's house? Or sent your girlfriend flowers at work, simply because it was a Monday?

Some people think they don't need to buy prizes because they show their love in other ways. Perhaps you're a great cook, or give good massages. But never underestimate the power of "I saw this today and thought of you." You are offering your love - whether it's with a $15 itunes gift card, or a Gucci dress. The message is the same: "I knew this would make you happy."

Pride Month and PR!

Pride month is finally here! All of a sudden my social calendar is bulging at the seams. I attended Baird and Warner's "Out Of The Office" last Tuesday at the Dana Hotel - what a great time! I've always enjoyed this event as it kicks off pride month for us here at In Good Company. The folks at Baird and Warner know how to throw a great party!

Afterward a friend and I went downstairs for dinner at Aja. If you haven't been there, do yourself a HUGE favor and go today! I'm not a huge fan of raw tuna, but I have to say - it melted on my tongue. Delish! And they have a lovely outdoor seating area.

This past Wednesday was the first time we've held our dating workshop outside our conference room. We began a 3-month run at the Discovery Center, and could not have been more pleased. Everything we needed was already set up for us, and we unveiled our Top 10 Dating Tips to the participants. The next workshop is July 17 at 2p. Sign up here and join us! As I was preparing for this expanded workshop, I realized that I was laying the groundwork for what could be a really great book! So it's officially in my daily calendar: "work on book." I'll be sure to keep you posted on this blog, which is another thing I'm going to do better. I can't promise you that every posting will be hugely entertaining, but I'll try to give you information that is useful and/or interesting.

Speaking of interesting, did you know that I was on the radio a couple of weeks ago? Follow In Good Company on Facebook and Twitter so you'll be the first to know about any press we receive. Remember, the more press we get, the more clients we get - and the more matches for all of you! You can listen to the interview here. Luis and Shantell were awesome and they made me feel so comfortable.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend!

Transparency in Business

I preach it to my clients and colleagues: this is what I CAN do, this is what I CAN'T. Being honest and truthful about what your services are is paramount in keeping your integrity and reputation intact. Peter Shankman writes about it in his blog. Check it out here.

Top 12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #4

4. Chewing Gum!

Chewing gum in public, especially on a date, is one of the worst things you can do. Why? Because no one looks good chewing gum! It's like a cow chewing its cud. (If you don't know what that is, google it. Then go spit out your gum.)

When you chew gum on a date, it's floating around in your mouth as you talk, and it becomes the only thing your date can focus on. Or you don't even realize you're smacking it! At best, it's impolite in any professional situation. At its worst, you look like a hillbilly.

I had a client who said it best: "Gum chewing, like masturbation, is something best done in the privacy of one's own home, alone."

If you want fresh breath, pop in a mint.

This Is What It Means To Be An Adult

I knew today was going to be busy. Up at 4am to catch an early morning flight home for my step-grandfather's funeral, most of which I would miss in an effort to get back on a plane to Chicago for my event tonight. Our very first singles event that sold out. Not something that could be rescheduled with such short notice. And after much deliberation, I just felt that I could not miss my event. It was too big of a deal for me to be absent. Of course, the same goes for the funeral.

Therefore, I decided to fly in for the visitation before the funeral. Flight availability meant I would either miss the funeral, or miss my event. There was no way around it. I had made my peace, somewhat, with the fact that I would miss the funeral. I consoled myself with the knowledge that I would still get to see my family, hug those I needed to hug, and pay my respects before flying back to take care of my company.

Except I missed my flight this morning. By about 10 seconds. As I'm running towards the gate (at the very end of the terminal, of course) I see the gate attendant coming out of the jetbridge and the door slamming behind him. He says, unequivocally, "The plane is locked down. You cannot get on." Begging him doesn't make him budge, nor does it bring out even a shred of empathy.

It's not like I overslept. It's not like I was running late. I just misjudged how much time I needed. I gave myself no buffer. So when the security line looked like it does on Thanksgiving, and I was halfway to the gate when I realized I left my bag back at security, it was over. And there's no one to blame but myself. This is what it means to be an adult.

In all the planning that went into this day - the flights, the car service, the arranging of rides, last minute details for tonight - I kept thinking, "Well, this is what it means to be an adult. You have to juggle many things all at once and just make them all happen." I tried to do it all. I really did.

The other day, my friend remarked that it seemed like a lot for one day, and should I perhaps consider missing my event? I said without hesitation: "Work comes first." Now it appears that the universe heard me loud and clear, and gave me what I said I wanted.

Except I'm sick about it. While this is entirely my fault, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I'm trying to focus on that. Trying to ignore the should've would've could'ves that are peppering my brain. I'm not sure how you juggle work obligations and family obligations. I guess sometimes you are able to do it pretty well, and other times the balls drop.

So this is what it means to be an adult:
*You make mistakes. Sometimes they're really big ones.
*You're in charge of keeping your animals alive, healthy, and safe.
*You pay your bills.
*You keep your home clean.
*You still worry that you'll disappoint your parents, but you do your best anyway.
*You can jump on your bed if you want. You probably don't, but you could.
*You have to keep going, especially after disappointment. There simply is no other alternative.
*You realize that life isn't fair, but you are still blessed beyond what you even know.
*You can eat Nutella out of the jar. Not that I ever have.

The Challenges of a Small Business Owner

Well, I'm sorry to say it's finally happened. After 5 1/2 years and thousands of introductions, we have received our very first chargeback. For those of you who don't know, a chargeback is something you can do when you've put an amount on your credit card and you want your money back. For whatever reason.

Now, in theory, it's a great idea. If you don't feel you've received the services you were promised, you have recourse. I get it.

But for the small business owner, it's a huge blow; both to your business bank account and your pride. I suppose it was bound to happen at some point: the longer you're in business, the more clients you have, the more opportunity there is for letting in a bad apple. I know we deal with the very delicate issue that is people's personal lives. But these factors still don't lessen the impact.

I know the reason it hurts so much is because I'm being accused of something that I'm not. You want to call me a bitch? I own that. Tell me I have issues with control? I totally agree. But accuse me of being dishonest in my work - where the only thing I have is my integrity - and that cuts to the bone.

Does that make me weak? I don't know. I feel like a man, in my position, would just get mad. Or have the ability to blow it off and not worry about it. But I feel persecuted. Insulted. Shocked. I'm ashamed to say I've shed a few tears over it. And I'm ashamed to write that here for all of you to see.

I've given refunds before. We certainly don't make it a habit, but there have been a few times where I realized I cannot fulfill my end of the agreement with a client. And in those instances, we do the right thing. Because it comes down to integrity, and integrity is something you can't buy. When I'm in the wrong, I admit it. To me, that's integrity. But when I'm right - when I'm doing the right thing for my company and protecting my clients - I will stand up and fight anyone or anything that challenges IGC's core values.

I've been reading "Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose" by Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos.com. He talks about all the stressful times he and his partners went through, and how it taught him many lessons along the way to becoming the billion-dollar operation that Zappos.com is today. It reminds me that In Good Company is here for a purpose. We will continue to face stressful situations, just like any business. But along our journey, lessons will be learned; better judgments made; and hopefully, delusional threats won't offend as much.

Every day that I'm blessed to be able to provide for my clients is another day I learn to be a better businessperson. The groundwork is being laid for the path that I am taking In Good Company on; knowing this dries any tears.

"Everybody has their own private mountain they were put on this earth to climb." Yes, I believe this. And the summit will be SO worth it!

The Fine Art Of Missing Someone

No other time during the year brings more awareness of feeling displaced, lonely, and isolated than the holidays. Many people I know are going through this for various reasons, but they can all be put under the heading "Missing Someone Special".

For some of us, it's the after-breakup time. When you romanticize your past relationship, forgetting the bad times; the clues you were given but ignored because you were desperately in love. And wondering - do you still get your ex a Christmas gift? If so, how big or small? I have a friend who keeps hoping her ex will show up one day, ring in a box, and change her world forever. The holidays, with all their sparkle and promise, make us pray for miracles.

For others, it's the after-the-death-of-a-loved-one time. When you have to go through the interruption of routine: this is the time of day when she would call her dad - oh wait, she can't anymore. Or, he would go to his Mom's house for Christmas Eve - well, not this year, or any year from now on. Difficult and awful at any time, but especially during the holidays, when family gathers around and there is comfort in tradition.

Here's what I have learned: that you must suffer through the times of "Missing Someone." Like a smoker who is trying to quit; if you can just get through each craving that comes, you will be OK for a little while longer. It is fine to sit and cry over your loss. It is perfectly acceptable to have a pity party for yourself every once in a while. Be still with your loss, let it wash over you; and when you are calm again, dry your eyes, and keep moving ahead. It's absolutely fine to take 2 steps back, as long as you are taking 4 steps forward. And please - go talk to a grief counselor if you are feeling helpless. The only way out of grief is through it.

Some of you may know about the original lyrics to "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", characterized as too "depressing" and changed to be more uplifting and optimistic: the original first line being "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last". In honor of all of you who are missing someone, here are the lyrics as we know them today. And may all our hearts be light.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Top 12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #5

5. Not Following Up When You Say You Will

Oh boy is this a big one! And I hear about it all the time (which is why it's #5!)
This is paramount in keeping your Dating Karma clean.

So you've met someone that is nice enough, but just not right for you. They've handed you their card and said, "Give me a call!" and before you can stop yourself, you've responded with, "Yeah, absolutely!" all the while thinking "I'm never going to call you." Well guess what? YOU HAVE TO. Just bite the bullet, and DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD.

Put on your big boy pants, dial the number, and simply tell the person "I don't feel a romantic connection between us, but we could hang out as friends sometime." I know this isn't easy to say; it feels easier to hide away and not return their phone calls, or send them an email talking about how busy you are with work and travel. Just because it's the right thing to do, doesn't mean it's the easiest. Welcome to adulthood.

If you tell a friend/coworker/partner/sibling that you'll call them on Wednesday, CALL THEM ON WEDNESDAY. Following up in these small ways adds up over time, and people begin to view you as a person they can count on and trust. And that's a great reputation to get!

The Match Off!

What an amazing experience this was!! For those of you that don't know, we were chosen to participate in a matchmaking reality show here in Chicago. It pitted two matchmakers against each other to see who did the best job of matching "the single". Needless to say, IGC's professionalism won out in the end, as you can see here.

During filming, I met the most amazing, hard-working, fun people in television production. LXTV really has their act together! I was shocked at how much footage ended up on the proverbial cutting room floor. But how much can you possibly squeeze into a 22 minute show?

I don't know how the editors sat through all those hours of footage, but if they make a bloopers reel, you'll want to see it! Suffice to say, there was dancing and rapping, among other things. This experience was so much fun - I would do it again in a heartbeat. And business has been booming since the show aired!! We are so grateful to NBC Universal for giving LXTV a chance with this show. Fingers crossed they ask for more episodes!!

In the meantime, visit www.thematchoff.com and watch the episode, as well as some of my dating tips!

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #6

6. Dressing Like You Didn't Make An Effort

Sometimes we can get lax in our appearance. Or we think "they need to like me as I am." Sorry, that's not how it works.

Your first dates are job interviews. You must put forth the same effort you would in an interview for a potential job. I have gotten feedback from thousands of gay men over the years, so trust me when I tell you how important the effort is that you put into your appearance.

Make sure your pants are hemmed perfectly. Everything should be pressed. No flip flops, no shorts, no hats.

Some clothing and shoes are so familiar to us that we don't see how raggedy they've become. I remember being in a Coach store and my girlfriend was showing me new wallets. I told her I didn't need a new wallet; mine worked just fine. And as I pulled it out of my purse to prove my point, I finally saw it in the glaring fluorescent lights amid all the brand new leather wallets - and it looked AWFUL. All of a sudden, I saw it for what it was: a wallet I had used almost every day for 8 years. 8 years! Ratty, worn, and very worn-out. If I was on a date with someone and they pulled out a wallet that looked like that, it would definitely send the wrong message. Would it be an accurate message? Maybe not. But not a good impression for sure. There's a reason people buy Mont Blanc pens, and it's not because they write better than a Bic.

Have a trusted friend give your closet the once-over so they can help you see what needs to be spruced up. So you have a favorite pair of boots for the fall and winter. Do they need to be polished? If you must wear flip flops on a date (if you do, they should be designer ones) are you doing the proper maintenance on your feet? Are your fingernails clean and trimmed? Are your pants too baggy? Is your belt showing wear and tear?

Making the extra effort in your appearance shows your match that you care about how you look, and that is a GREAT first impression!

Dykes Market

A relative of a friend was in Hawaii recently and discovered "Dykes Market", which she texted to my (lesbian) friend who then told me. We immediately began musing on how great it would be to have a REAL Dykes Market from which we could choose a great woman.

(Sidenote: I have always called myself a "dyke", even though my "official" label would be femme. Dyke is not a derogatory term for me, nor have I ever used it as such. Because if I embrace it, then being called it cannot be hurtful or mean or shameful. To me, dyke is synonymous with lesbian. Moving on...)

Back to Dykes Market. How great to be able to walk into a store and have so many different lesbians to choose from, perhaps along with some fabulous cheese. "I'll take those peonies, the soft stud with the great hair, and a wedge of the Maytag bleu, please." Genius! It's like a perfect Friday night all found at one store: Dykes Market.

The dykes would all be single, of course, and in their natural settings. Be it relaxing with a beer on a bar stool, on her Blackberry in a business suit, or making a hemp bracelet for her future buyer.

There would be a return policy with a receipt, or at least a store credit without one. You know, if they start to get mouthy. There would be different departments, depending on what you want: soft studs, bois, butch, soft butch, lipstick - the list would go on and on!

Once they were all broken up into departments, they would be put in order of attraction/price. There could even be a clearance rack for those who've been hit hard in these tough economic times. Filet Mignon all the way to ground beef, if you will.

My friend decided she'll get a new one every year with her tax refund.

What would YOU like to see at Dykes Market?

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #7

7. Only Talking About Yourself/Not Showing An Interest In Your Date

My clients are an accomplished group - doctors, big-shot lawyers, CEO's, published authors, etc etc. They have a lot to talk about! But sometimes we can get so focused on ourselves that we forget to find out about the other person. It makes it especially harder if your date is someone who asks a lot of questions and encourages you to keep your monologue going.

Resist! I hear so many times from my clients "well, I know a lot more about him than he knows about me." If you haven't been to my dating workshops, one of the important things we talk about is "Give Information, then Get Information." This is the cornerstone of a good conversation.

Like the previous entry, you might be thinking, "duh!" But again, you'd be surprised how often I hear the above feedback.

"Give information, then get information" is also a very useful tool when starting a new conversation with someone you don't know. We all hate that "awkward silence" that can occur when you've met someone for the first time, or you're waiting for your food to arrive at the restaurant and you feel you've exhausted all your conversation starters. Even if the question is, "So what's your favorite color?" you can start a conversation from there if you make it a point to give information, then get information.

For example:

Person A: So, what's your favorite color?

Person B: I really like red a lot. I used to have a dining room that I painted red and it really created such a warm and inviting environment for when I entertained. I love to cook and have friends over - even if it's a casual night. What about you -do you like to cook and entertain?

If you make the effort, you can turn a bland question into a conversation about the two of you where you are actually getting useful information about your date. Before you know it, viola! You're in a full-blown conversation and it soon becomes effortless.

A good rule of thumb is something salespeople are often taught: If you feel like you're talking too much, you probably are. Stop the "period" sentences, and start with the questions: and give the other person a chance to tell you about themselves.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #8

8. No Eye Contact

Ever had a date with someone and about 20 minutes in, you're just about begging them to LOOK AT YOU? I actually said that to someone I went on a date with 5 years ago. Perhaps it's the matchmaker in me, but I just couldn't take it anymore and finally slammed my hand down on the table to get her attention and said, "Julie! Look at me!"

She was a fine conversationalist, but she just refused to look me in the eye. Unfortunately the lack of eye contact superseded all the other great qualities about her. A second date was out of the question.

When you're on a date, you must look the other person in the eye. I know what you're thinking: duh! But you'd be surprised at how often I hear this from my clients. When you're not giving your full attention to your date, they can see it and feel it. It makes for an awkward conversation, with your date wondering the entire time "why isn't he/she looking at me?"

I've said it before numerous times: your first date is like a job interview. Can you imagine being on a job interview and not looking the interviewee in the eye? Of course not! You must show your confidence and interest in the person (job).

Besides, lack of eye contact can make you appear restless, easily distracted, and fidgety. Are those the impressions you want your date to have of you?

From now on, make a special effort to focus on the person you're talking with, and see if you catch yourself looking around for distractions. And goodness knows - stop looking at all the cute boys that pass by your table!! Your date sees that too.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #9

9. Name Dropping and Income-Indicating

If there's one thing that will turn your date sour in a heartbeat, it's bragging about yourself; and there is a very clear distinction between being confident and being arrogant.

Here at IGC, we attract a certain type of clientele. We don't have an income requirement by any stretch of the imagination, but our pricing helps ensure that we retain a certain level of professionalism, maturity, and stability within our client base. And when you have that type of person who is also genuine and down to earth, it makes it easier to get to know them because there's no pretense; whether or not they drive off in a Mercedes.

When someone feels the need to boast about who they know or how much money they make, it's a clear indication of a lack of self-esteem. If you feel the need to self-aggrandize in order to "sell" yourself to your date, it's time to strip away the pretense. Having money and knowing famous people is great, but it won't keep you warm at night. Besides, you need to be with someone who will love you regardless of how much, or how little, money you have.

Besides, it's just flat-out not attractive to "boast" for the sake of boasting. Keep your cards close to your chest so you don't attract opportunists. Remember, if you advertise it, you must want people to come get it.

As a very wealthy woman once told me, "When you reach a certain level of professional and financial success, you realize that you don't really want people to know too many details about you. If you make a spectacle of yourself, it cultivates a breeding ground of people who will take advantage of you and your status." There's nothing wrong with being confident and accomplished, just temper it with a bit of humbleness.

And as for the very wealthy woman I mentioned above? You can find her name on countless plaques across the city for her philanthropic work. Just look for the placard inscribed "Generously Donated By Anonymous".

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #10

10: Talking About Your Religion. Excessively.

Everyone has their own beliefs and their own way of expressing those beliefs. But just like politics, there is very little room for religion during first date conversation.

If you want to briefly share your beliefs, perhaps the church you attend; fine. But limit that conversation to 5 minutes MAX. Religion is such a deeply personal thing - and like most personal things, it should come out on the 4th or 5th date to be discussed in more depth. It's at this point that you and the person you're dating begin to really connect on a deeper level, sharing more intimate details that make up who you are as a person.

So keep first date conversation light, and save the more intimate conversation for when you are, in fact, more intimate.

And if you are a part of something where you feel the urge to tell people "it's not a cult", it probably is. If you hear that statement from your date's mouth, run. They have no room for you in their life.