Jump in! The water's just fine...

Welcome, Anderson Cooper!

In light of Anderson's recent coming out, I felt compelled to address this issue. As a matchmaker, I've heard countless coming out stories over the last 7 years. Most of our clients are pretty much "out", but there are some who have chosen to not come out to their families, or at work. They have various reasons, but it always seems to come down to this: because no one asks, my client doesn't say anything. But because he doesn't say anything, no one asks. It's a very weird cycle that doesn't stop until he or she decides to say something.

Based on the coming out stories I've heard, the majority of the time, it always ends up better than you think it's going to. Certainly not always; and we've all heard about the awful bullying that goes on. But the majority of people I've talked to have said, "It was so much easier than I thought it would be."

Additionally, you have to look at this from a generational standpoint. Different generations surprise us. For instance, take Cher. An entertainer with so many gay fans, but yet when Chaz (then Chastity) came out, she freaked out! One of my clients had, in her words, "hippy parents" - it was so liberal in her house growing up that she could have coed sleepovers and such. She finally comes out to her mom and dad, and they are upset! However, her grandmother, who was 75 at the time, pipes up and says "leave her alone!" Perhaps it skips a generation sometimes. No matter how liberal the parents seem to be, they always start thinking, "What did I do wrong?"

But parents seem mostly concerned with the downside of it. "Oh my poor baby is going to suffer because he/she is gay." They see the hate crimes, the bullying, so that's the first thing that comes up for them. As the person doing the coming out, we take that as a rejection. Tyler Clementi, after coming out to his parents before leaving for Rutgers University, told a friend that that his mother had "basically completely rejected" him. In later interviews, his mother says she was grieving; realizing that he would never marry and have children. She also said she felt betrayed that he did not confide in her he was gay sooner than he had. The point here is that she did not feel that she was rejecting him, but that's how it felt to him.

Most of you have now read Anderson Cooper's email to Andrew Sullivan, but there was one paragraph in particular that stood out for me:
"...I’ve begun to consider whether the unintended outcomes of maintaining my privacy outweigh personal and professional principle. It’s become clear to me that by remaining silent on certain aspects of my personal life for so long, I have given some the mistaken impression that I am trying to hide something - something that makes me uncomfortable, ashamed or even afraid. This is distressing because it is simply not true."

He totally gets it. And he's exactly right.

That being said, I truly believe that everyone has their own path when it comes to "coming out." It's an individual decision. I have clients who are very high up at Fortune 100 companies, and some of them aren't out at work. They've basically said to me, "Look, I've got a good thing going here, I make great money, I've been here for 20 years, and no way am I going to do anything to mess this up." I hear them loud and clear. I've been out to everybody for so long and I come out to people so quickly that I don't know what I would do if I was in their situation. Do you risk it all? Cross your fingers that it will be fine? Or do you stay in the closet? And then the cycle starts all over again.

There is no easy answer here. But I am very happy that Anderson has made his voice heard. Sure, it was something that most of us knew already, but it still makes me happy that he will open the eyes of some straight people who could use a little bit of enlightenment.

Prizes Make The World Go 'Round

We all make allowances and concessions for our partners. You all know by now how I feel about gum chewing in public; yet my ex LOVED gum and I actually took a lot of pleasure in buying it for her anytime I was standing in the check-out line. My dad once told my step mom he loved it when her nails were painted red; now it's pretty much the only color she gets during her manicure.

I think it's important to do things for your partner that make them happy. In turn, it makes US happy. And it shows your partner that you care about them. One of the best ways to do that is to give prizes.

I'm a big advocate of prizes. And I mean prizes for no particular reason and with no particular price point. Now, do I prefer a prize that has a comma in the price tag? Of course. But can it also be a peanut butter cup? Absolutely. Prizes are a way of showing someone that you think about them even when they aren't around. That's what the gum was for me - a small way of showing her that she was on my mind when I was by myself.

Some people either don't believe in prizes, or they don't think they are necessary. Let me be the first to tell you; they are very necessary. When was the last time you picked up a Starbucks card before heading to your boyfriend's house? Or sent your girlfriend flowers at work, simply because it was a Monday?

Some people think they don't need to buy prizes because they show their love in other ways. Perhaps you're a great cook, or give good massages. But never underestimate the power of "I saw this today and thought of you." You are offering your love - whether it's with a $15 itunes gift card, or a Gucci dress. The message is the same: "I knew this would make you happy."

Dating Karma

I have some clients that I call my "whole package clients" - they're attractive, fit, active, and then on top of that, they have the most amazing personalities! So sweet, and genuine, and humble about their success...truly guys who have the "whole package". (I could go on and on with fabulous adjectives, but you get the picture).

Every client who meets with one of my whole package clients inevitably loves them - no one can say anything even remotely negative about them. Every one loves them and every one hopes the WP calls him back. And as wonderful as the WP's are, they usually don't call back. Or text back. Or return the email sent their way.

I'm a big believer in Karma. It's been shown to me time and time again, both bad and good. Dating Karma is no different - what you put out there will come back to you. So why would anybody mess with that?

I think mostly it has to do with the fact that it's not always easy to say to someone, "I didn't feel any attraction between us, but I hope we can be friends." No one wants to be THAT guy or girl. What we need to understand is that you're not saying the person is unattractive (even if you felt that way). Chemistry, or lack thereof, isn't always indicative of looks. I've had feedback from clients who've said, "You know, I can see that he's an attractive guy, but I just didn't feel that spark. And I really wish I had - because he's very handsome!"

Chemistry is that elusive thing that often surprises us. How many of us have heard someone say, "I didn't think he/she was my type, but then...." It's always a good thing to remain open and really explore what's available to you.

But when you get to the end of the date, and the other person says, "So would you like to maybe go out again?" - if you aren't feeling any chemistry, NOW is the time to say, "I don't know that I feel a romantic connection between us, but I would love to hang out again as friends." Now, you will inevitably see that crestfallen look on their face, but trust me - this is so much better than the alternative! You will have been open and honest from the very beginning, and there are much worse reputations to have than that. You will also be helping the other person to move on quicker.

So, if you, in a weak moment, tell the other person, "Sure I'd love to! I'll call you-" then DO IT. Even if you call to say you're really busy right now and you hope to see them out and about soon, this will keep your Dating Karma clean. So call them back. Return that text or email. Be an honest person to the people that want to date you, so that the person YOU want to date does the same to you. Because just as with any of my clients, my WP's eventually meet someone they want to get to know better, and usually that person says, "Sure, I'll call you!" And the WP waits, and waits, and waits.

The Level Playing Field

It's interesting hearing from clients who have used other gay dating services, and how much they paid. I'm always wondering - should I raise our fees? But as soon as I get concerned about alienating potential clients, someone comes in and tells me about a service they used in New York, or Canada, or California, and they paid over 5 times what we charge! And they end up getting a lot less. It makes me wonder: how is that company doing? Are they thriving? Struggling?

There is a school of thought that nothing is "too expensive" - people will always pay a price equal to the value they perceive the product is worth to them. So what is it exactly that my clients want; what is most important to them? Ease of use? Having their own personal matchmaker? Or is it finding that life partner?

Even typing this, I'm thinking, "well that's obvious - they want to find a life partner." But I have many clients who, quite simply, are too busy to date on their own. Now - if they happen to find a life partner, great! But that is not their main goal. Their main goal is to not be sitting at home every night, after working a 12-hour day, and only have their dog or the TV as companionship.

I constantly try and figure out what do my clients find most valuable about IGC. It's different for everyone, but the great thing is - we can fill all those needs. The guy who wants help getting over his shyness? Done. The woman who has just come out at 52 years of age and wants to dip her toe in the water? No problem. The guy who has sowed his wild oats, and is ready to settle down - white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a husband, the works - absolutely. And so many more! We get all types here, looking for all types.

I would say the main thing is that most clients are looking to be on a level playing field - financially, emotionally, physically, etc. We don't have an income requirement here; we have 3rd grade math teachers, all the way up to C-level executives. But regardless of income, there is a level of responsibility, maturity, and sincerity that is prevalent at IGC, and sometimes difficult to find elsewhere.

I talked with a client the other day who was complaining about someone he met on his own. They decided to meet for coffee, and began to get hungry. My client said, "There's a Cheesecake Factory close by; how about that?" to which his date replied, "Isn't that expensive?" My client felt like rolling his eyes: he's no millionaire, but he can afford a lunch at The Cheesecake Factory.

I asked my client how he met this person. "Online". Ok, which site? "Match.com" And how much is that a month? "Um, around $20". So why are you complaining about someone who doesn't want to spend any money, when you met them on a site where you hardly have to spend any money? Does that make sense?

I admit that after doing this for a number of years, I tend to forget to sell IGC to potential clients. I have to remind myself that it is part of my job to show people the value of In Good Company and what we can do. I just think it's so great and that everyone should do it! :) But it's important for me to educate people on what we do exactly, what we can promise, and what we can't.

Then again, if you're gay or lesbian, and single, get in here!!!

Bleeding Hearts

I've been pondering this question for a while now. I feel like I'm seeing a lot of lesbians lately "settling" for someone that's really not a great fit for them. It seems especially prevalent in my life right now (thankfully, not for me). This whole idea of "she checks off 3 of the 5 boxes, so I guess we'll be girlfriends" doesn't sit well with me.

Now I know that no one's perfect, but there appears to be a lot of settling going on. The attitude seems to be "we have a lot of fun together and even though she's not ultimately what I want or cannot bring what I need to the table, I'll be her girlfriend anyway - until I meet someone else." This logic of biding one's time with the emotions of another until something better comes along seems awfully flawed to me, and a recipe for an emotional disaster. (Not to mention, yet another reason to DATE, rather than immediately become committed to someone.)

Having said that - I DO believe that we are with people for a reason. I think we learn things from each other that better shape us to become the human beings we were meant to be, and when those lessons are learned, we move on. Sometimes easy, sometimes very, very hard; but the key words are "move on." What's the saying? "Leave the person better than you found them" or something to that effect. But can you do that when it's a poor fit to begin with? Is that possible, when the two of you shouldn't even be together at all?

I feel like these women are trying to make something out of nothing. And I wonder: do they think there isn't anything better out there? Do they think they will never find that one true love again? I posed this question to a friend of mine, and her answer was, with no hesitation, "Yes. That's exactly it. Cannot imagine getting that lucky twice."

Which begs the question: will the universe conspire to help you in getting what you want, if the message you send is "this is fine for now, actually; thankyouverymuch" ?

I also think lesbians, in particular, tend to overlook "deal breakers"; attempting to convince themselves that particular "big deals" are not, in fact, big deals at all. Not attracted to her? Oh well. I'll just try and overlook that. You want a relationship, but she is not and will not be at any time in the near future ready or available to be in a relationship? Ok then, I'll still hang around.

These are big deals, people! These flags are so red they look like they're bleeding.

One of our tag lines is "Someone is waiting to meet you." I truly believe this: whether it's through IGC or not - someone IS waiting to meet you. But you have to be available to meet THEM. You have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. This goes for shoes and partners. :)

I know the reason I'm comfortable saying this is because I see the database of people we have at IGC every single day. I KNOW that there are so many more "fish in the sea" than people in our community think there are. Personally, I know you can find that love again - the love you thought was only going to happen to you once. You have to be open to it, you have to trust that it will happen. You have to welcome it into your life with open arms; and I don't know that you can do that when your arms are around someone else.

I also want you to be grateful for that "once-in-a-lifetime" love; because now you know what it feels like. And if you are someone who has "settled", you know it's different than how you feel now. Don't settle until you find it again! And you will - I know this.

What's with the attitude?

Lately there's been a rash of clients who are doing nothing but whining! It's like I have to twist their arm just to get them to go out! I don't understand - would you just give up if you went on 5 job interviews and were still jobless? Of course not! Would you say, "Well ok, I guess I'm gonna live on the street now." No way! You get back up on the horse and you try, try again. Good grief!! I just don't get it. Clients who came in for their initial interview and were so full of life and good energy and enthusiasm now sound on the phone like they just came from a funeral. Or they're on a heavy dose of Valium.

Look - if I could guarantee you'd meet your life partner thru IGC, we'd have a much different pricing structure. But good grief! Get a grip people! You want to date? You're GOING to date! So get over it, and get on with it!

You don't have to sue us to get a date

Oh boy do I have a lot to say about this eHarmony/Compatible Partners thing.

For those of you who don't know, eHarmony has been sued a couple of times for discrimination. As best I understand, it has fallen under the state laws that say you can't discriminate against anyone because of their sexual orientation. eHarmony hasn't admitted any wrongdoing, but they have started to allow gays and lesbians to use their site, calling it "Compatible Partners".

For years I've had clients ask me about eHarmony, and why they didn't allow gays and lesbians. eHarmony's stance (I was told) was that they believed a "healthy" relationship existed between a man and a woman (Heidi and Spencer notwithstanding). I just figured eHarmony didn't need or want any more money.

So now, under duress, they've opened up their algorithms to our community, after shunning us for years. They've finally said, "Ooooook, we'll match you up, even though you know we don't agree with your 'lifestyle'." Is this really what my community has been waiting for?

Let's not forget too - that you can be anyone you want to be online. You can be single, outgoing, and funny; you could be a C-level executive instead of a part-time barista at Starbuck's; you could be a straight man who has a deep, abiding, religiously-born desire to bring harm to anyone who would dare label themselves as "gay". Of course, this is true of any online service. You have to be careful.

It's just so different here at In Good Company. People actually ARE who they say they are. Plus, they have to get through me first ;) It's been 5 years for us, and we have yet to have anyone misrepresent themselves (aside from removing a few years from their age - you know who you are! But that's ok - I do too ;) My clients who are HIV+ have told me they are; my prospective clients who are still married to women have told me (even though I couldn't have them join). I also don't think anyone who's dropping the cash for our fees wants to be dishonest - you can lie for a lot cheaper.

It also disturbs me because I think they are going to make a killing, cash-wise. And here we are, taking it day by day in this difficult economy. Where we opened solely for the gay and lesbian community and have kept our focus on that, they have begrudgingly - finally - decided to take our money.

So where will you go, current or prospective IGC client? Will you continue to spend hours online each night, hoping the information you are reading about someone is accurate? Then hoping one of you has the nerve to suggest a meeting? Or will you hire someone to do all that for you - to let you focus on your professional life, while we find great matches for you, give you factual information about them, even set up the introduction in a casual, low-stress environment. That's what In Good Company does for the Chicagoland gay and lesbian community, and what we've been doing since 2005.

Want to date within the gay and lesbian community? You don't have to set a legal precedent; just set an appointment with In Good Company.

Welcome to Gay Chicago!

I remember coming up to Chicago back in 2003 - 2004 for improv classes (yes, that's actually why I moved here) and all the times I wanted to go out and try different restaurants. The problem was, I didn't really know anyone here. But because food and I are BFF's, I would walk down the street, find a restaurant that looked good, march inside and sit down to a nice meal and glass of wine all by myself. Now, I can do that; but I know a lot of people who can't, or wouldn't dare. And certainly, I would've rather had company.

So I have an idea that's been rolling around in my head for a few months now, and I'm interested in your opinions about it.

I was thinking about all the gay men and women who travel to Chicago on business, and how I bet it would be nice if they had someone to have dinner with that was also a gay professional. They likely don't know anyone here except their straight colleagues, and they're tired of eating alone in their hotel room. I think it would be great if we could set something up where IGC provides a dinner companion. Not a "date", because the two people live in different cities/states; but someone they could talk to and have a nice dinner with, knowing that the person was educated, intelligent, stable and secure.

It wouldn't cost anything extra for my current clients (the ones who reside in the Chicagoland area) and these dinners wouldn't count towards their introductions.

I would have to be able to interview the out-of-towner in person so my Chicago clients would know that he/she is A-OK. But once I did that, for the rest of the year all the out-of-towner would need to do is call or email us ahead of time, and we can get to work on setting up the dinner(s).

Obviously there's a few kinks to still be worked out, but I feel like it might be a nice service to offer.

Thoughts?

Checking in

So I've been calling previous clients lately to check in with them, remind them we're still here, etc etc and I've been getting some really good updates. Some clients renewed their membership because they aren't dating, and some clients are still seeing people we matched them with! In fact, two guys I matched are planning their committment ceremony for July! Then I heard from another previous client that he's been happily dating someone for a few years now. He told me that he actually met his current partner through one of his IGC matches! I hear that kind of thing pretty regularly, so I'm always telling my clients to make an effort to get to know their matches. Even if it's just for 30-40 minutes! Because they never know who that person could be to them in the future.

Imagine meeting a potential date, and the conversation is fine but there's no physical connection. How great would it be to put your best foot forward, be respectful and polite, and get to know them a little bit? Even if there's no chemistry, that doesn't mean that person couldn't become one of your biggest clients, or a colleague. Or, as in the case of some of my clients, you might run into them at an event, they introduce you to a friend of theirs, and bam! THAT'S the guy for you. It happens more often than people think - so remember that IT IS NEVER A WASTE OF TIME TO MEET SOMEONE.


I love getting updates from current and previous clients. They remind me why we're here, and why a service like this is so needed in our community. And I always hear the same thing from my clients who have been successfully matched: "I don't know how I would have ever met him if not thru IGC."