Jump in! The water's just fine...

Welcome, Anderson Cooper!

In light of Anderson's recent coming out, I felt compelled to address this issue. As a matchmaker, I've heard countless coming out stories over the last 7 years. Most of our clients are pretty much "out", but there are some who have chosen to not come out to their families, or at work. They have various reasons, but it always seems to come down to this: because no one asks, my client doesn't say anything. But because he doesn't say anything, no one asks. It's a very weird cycle that doesn't stop until he or she decides to say something.

Based on the coming out stories I've heard, the majority of the time, it always ends up better than you think it's going to. Certainly not always; and we've all heard about the awful bullying that goes on. But the majority of people I've talked to have said, "It was so much easier than I thought it would be."

Additionally, you have to look at this from a generational standpoint. Different generations surprise us. For instance, take Cher. An entertainer with so many gay fans, but yet when Chaz (then Chastity) came out, she freaked out! One of my clients had, in her words, "hippy parents" - it was so liberal in her house growing up that she could have coed sleepovers and such. She finally comes out to her mom and dad, and they are upset! However, her grandmother, who was 75 at the time, pipes up and says "leave her alone!" Perhaps it skips a generation sometimes. No matter how liberal the parents seem to be, they always start thinking, "What did I do wrong?"

But parents seem mostly concerned with the downside of it. "Oh my poor baby is going to suffer because he/she is gay." They see the hate crimes, the bullying, so that's the first thing that comes up for them. As the person doing the coming out, we take that as a rejection. Tyler Clementi, after coming out to his parents before leaving for Rutgers University, told a friend that that his mother had "basically completely rejected" him. In later interviews, his mother says she was grieving; realizing that he would never marry and have children. She also said she felt betrayed that he did not confide in her he was gay sooner than he had. The point here is that she did not feel that she was rejecting him, but that's how it felt to him.

Most of you have now read Anderson Cooper's email to Andrew Sullivan, but there was one paragraph in particular that stood out for me:
"...I’ve begun to consider whether the unintended outcomes of maintaining my privacy outweigh personal and professional principle. It’s become clear to me that by remaining silent on certain aspects of my personal life for so long, I have given some the mistaken impression that I am trying to hide something - something that makes me uncomfortable, ashamed or even afraid. This is distressing because it is simply not true."

He totally gets it. And he's exactly right.

That being said, I truly believe that everyone has their own path when it comes to "coming out." It's an individual decision. I have clients who are very high up at Fortune 100 companies, and some of them aren't out at work. They've basically said to me, "Look, I've got a good thing going here, I make great money, I've been here for 20 years, and no way am I going to do anything to mess this up." I hear them loud and clear. I've been out to everybody for so long and I come out to people so quickly that I don't know what I would do if I was in their situation. Do you risk it all? Cross your fingers that it will be fine? Or do you stay in the closet? And then the cycle starts all over again.

There is no easy answer here. But I am very happy that Anderson has made his voice heard. Sure, it was something that most of us knew already, but it still makes me happy that he will open the eyes of some straight people who could use a little bit of enlightenment.

Prizes Make The World Go 'Round

We all make allowances and concessions for our partners. You all know by now how I feel about gum chewing in public; yet my ex LOVED gum and I actually took a lot of pleasure in buying it for her anytime I was standing in the check-out line. My dad once told my step mom he loved it when her nails were painted red; now it's pretty much the only color she gets during her manicure.

I think it's important to do things for your partner that make them happy. In turn, it makes US happy. And it shows your partner that you care about them. One of the best ways to do that is to give prizes.

I'm a big advocate of prizes. And I mean prizes for no particular reason and with no particular price point. Now, do I prefer a prize that has a comma in the price tag? Of course. But can it also be a peanut butter cup? Absolutely. Prizes are a way of showing someone that you think about them even when they aren't around. That's what the gum was for me - a small way of showing her that she was on my mind when I was by myself.

Some people either don't believe in prizes, or they don't think they are necessary. Let me be the first to tell you; they are very necessary. When was the last time you picked up a Starbucks card before heading to your boyfriend's house? Or sent your girlfriend flowers at work, simply because it was a Monday?

Some people think they don't need to buy prizes because they show their love in other ways. Perhaps you're a great cook, or give good massages. But never underestimate the power of "I saw this today and thought of you." You are offering your love - whether it's with a $15 itunes gift card, or a Gucci dress. The message is the same: "I knew this would make you happy."

Dating Karma

I have some clients that I call my "whole package clients" - they're attractive, fit, active, and then on top of that, they have the most amazing personalities! So sweet, and genuine, and humble about their success...truly guys who have the "whole package". (I could go on and on with fabulous adjectives, but you get the picture).

Every client who meets with one of my whole package clients inevitably loves them - no one can say anything even remotely negative about them. Every one loves them and every one hopes the WP calls him back. And as wonderful as the WP's are, they usually don't call back. Or text back. Or return the email sent their way.

I'm a big believer in Karma. It's been shown to me time and time again, both bad and good. Dating Karma is no different - what you put out there will come back to you. So why would anybody mess with that?

I think mostly it has to do with the fact that it's not always easy to say to someone, "I didn't feel any attraction between us, but I hope we can be friends." No one wants to be THAT guy or girl. What we need to understand is that you're not saying the person is unattractive (even if you felt that way). Chemistry, or lack thereof, isn't always indicative of looks. I've had feedback from clients who've said, "You know, I can see that he's an attractive guy, but I just didn't feel that spark. And I really wish I had - because he's very handsome!"

Chemistry is that elusive thing that often surprises us. How many of us have heard someone say, "I didn't think he/she was my type, but then...." It's always a good thing to remain open and really explore what's available to you.

But when you get to the end of the date, and the other person says, "So would you like to maybe go out again?" - if you aren't feeling any chemistry, NOW is the time to say, "I don't know that I feel a romantic connection between us, but I would love to hang out again as friends." Now, you will inevitably see that crestfallen look on their face, but trust me - this is so much better than the alternative! You will have been open and honest from the very beginning, and there are much worse reputations to have than that. You will also be helping the other person to move on quicker.

So, if you, in a weak moment, tell the other person, "Sure I'd love to! I'll call you-" then DO IT. Even if you call to say you're really busy right now and you hope to see them out and about soon, this will keep your Dating Karma clean. So call them back. Return that text or email. Be an honest person to the people that want to date you, so that the person YOU want to date does the same to you. Because just as with any of my clients, my WP's eventually meet someone they want to get to know better, and usually that person says, "Sure, I'll call you!" And the WP waits, and waits, and waits.

The Level Playing Field

It's interesting hearing from clients who have used other gay dating services, and how much they paid. I'm always wondering - should I raise our fees? But as soon as I get concerned about alienating potential clients, someone comes in and tells me about a service they used in New York, or Canada, or California, and they paid over 5 times what we charge! And they end up getting a lot less. It makes me wonder: how is that company doing? Are they thriving? Struggling?

There is a school of thought that nothing is "too expensive" - people will always pay a price equal to the value they perceive the product is worth to them. So what is it exactly that my clients want; what is most important to them? Ease of use? Having their own personal matchmaker? Or is it finding that life partner?

Even typing this, I'm thinking, "well that's obvious - they want to find a life partner." But I have many clients who, quite simply, are too busy to date on their own. Now - if they happen to find a life partner, great! But that is not their main goal. Their main goal is to not be sitting at home every night, after working a 12-hour day, and only have their dog or the TV as companionship.

I constantly try and figure out what do my clients find most valuable about IGC. It's different for everyone, but the great thing is - we can fill all those needs. The guy who wants help getting over his shyness? Done. The woman who has just come out at 52 years of age and wants to dip her toe in the water? No problem. The guy who has sowed his wild oats, and is ready to settle down - white picket fence, 2.5 kids, a husband, the works - absolutely. And so many more! We get all types here, looking for all types.

I would say the main thing is that most clients are looking to be on a level playing field - financially, emotionally, physically, etc. We don't have an income requirement here; we have 3rd grade math teachers, all the way up to C-level executives. But regardless of income, there is a level of responsibility, maturity, and sincerity that is prevalent at IGC, and sometimes difficult to find elsewhere.

I talked with a client the other day who was complaining about someone he met on his own. They decided to meet for coffee, and began to get hungry. My client said, "There's a Cheesecake Factory close by; how about that?" to which his date replied, "Isn't that expensive?" My client felt like rolling his eyes: he's no millionaire, but he can afford a lunch at The Cheesecake Factory.

I asked my client how he met this person. "Online". Ok, which site? "Match.com" And how much is that a month? "Um, around $20". So why are you complaining about someone who doesn't want to spend any money, when you met them on a site where you hardly have to spend any money? Does that make sense?

I admit that after doing this for a number of years, I tend to forget to sell IGC to potential clients. I have to remind myself that it is part of my job to show people the value of In Good Company and what we can do. I just think it's so great and that everyone should do it! :) But it's important for me to educate people on what we do exactly, what we can promise, and what we can't.

Then again, if you're gay or lesbian, and single, get in here!!!

What's with the attitude?

Lately there's been a rash of clients who are doing nothing but whining! It's like I have to twist their arm just to get them to go out! I don't understand - would you just give up if you went on 5 job interviews and were still jobless? Of course not! Would you say, "Well ok, I guess I'm gonna live on the street now." No way! You get back up on the horse and you try, try again. Good grief!! I just don't get it. Clients who came in for their initial interview and were so full of life and good energy and enthusiasm now sound on the phone like they just came from a funeral. Or they're on a heavy dose of Valium.

Look - if I could guarantee you'd meet your life partner thru IGC, we'd have a much different pricing structure. But good grief! Get a grip people! You want to date? You're GOING to date! So get over it, and get on with it!

You don't have to sue us to get a date

Oh boy do I have a lot to say about this eHarmony/Compatible Partners thing.

For those of you who don't know, eHarmony has been sued a couple of times for discrimination. As best I understand, it has fallen under the state laws that say you can't discriminate against anyone because of their sexual orientation. eHarmony hasn't admitted any wrongdoing, but they have started to allow gays and lesbians to use their site, calling it "Compatible Partners".

For years I've had clients ask me about eHarmony, and why they didn't allow gays and lesbians. eHarmony's stance (I was told) was that they believed a "healthy" relationship existed between a man and a woman (Heidi and Spencer notwithstanding). I just figured eHarmony didn't need or want any more money.

So now, under duress, they've opened up their algorithms to our community, after shunning us for years. They've finally said, "Ooooook, we'll match you up, even though you know we don't agree with your 'lifestyle'." Is this really what my community has been waiting for?

Let's not forget too - that you can be anyone you want to be online. You can be single, outgoing, and funny; you could be a C-level executive instead of a part-time barista at Starbuck's; you could be a straight man who has a deep, abiding, religiously-born desire to bring harm to anyone who would dare label themselves as "gay". Of course, this is true of any online service. You have to be careful.

It's just so different here at In Good Company. People actually ARE who they say they are. Plus, they have to get through me first ;) It's been 5 years for us, and we have yet to have anyone misrepresent themselves (aside from removing a few years from their age - you know who you are! But that's ok - I do too ;) My clients who are HIV+ have told me they are; my prospective clients who are still married to women have told me (even though I couldn't have them join). I also don't think anyone who's dropping the cash for our fees wants to be dishonest - you can lie for a lot cheaper.

It also disturbs me because I think they are going to make a killing, cash-wise. And here we are, taking it day by day in this difficult economy. Where we opened solely for the gay and lesbian community and have kept our focus on that, they have begrudgingly - finally - decided to take our money.

So where will you go, current or prospective IGC client? Will you continue to spend hours online each night, hoping the information you are reading about someone is accurate? Then hoping one of you has the nerve to suggest a meeting? Or will you hire someone to do all that for you - to let you focus on your professional life, while we find great matches for you, give you factual information about them, even set up the introduction in a casual, low-stress environment. That's what In Good Company does for the Chicagoland gay and lesbian community, and what we've been doing since 2005.

Want to date within the gay and lesbian community? You don't have to set a legal precedent; just set an appointment with In Good Company.

Twittering

Ok, ok - so I'm trying to hop on the Twitter bandwagon. I know - I'm way behind in utilizing this (I'm being told "useful") tool in promoting my business. So I'm trying. Trying to think of something useful and insightful to post. I feel like I have all these good ideas but when I go to twitter them (tweet them? twit them? I'm so behind on the lingo, too) I forget. Or they don't sound very profound. Or useful.

Everyone I'm following - Katie Couric, Martha Stewart, Exec Tweets - even Samantha Ronson - seem to have funny, witty, or intelligent posts. My latest? "Must must must create multiple revenue streams!" Well, duh!

Speaking of, IGC is starting to hold workshops on Dating. Advice, best practices, tips, etc. After getting feedback on thousands of introductions, we have compiled some really useful information that needs to get out there - trust me! You wouldn't think you would really need to tell people how to dress appropriately for a first introduction, but apparently - you do! There's a lot more to it though; good questions to ask, how to follow up with pertinent information, even the best way to end the introduction. We have a lot of information and it's time to share it! We will have a special page on our website that gives all the details (as soon as we set a date.)

IGC is also experimenting with different advertising venues. I checked out Facebook advertising...I don't really feel like our clients are hanging out on Facebook every day, but they allow you to target your ideal market, so I gave it a shot. Do you know that after I put it "College grad", "Single", "Looking for Men", and the age range of 35-60 - it said there were fewer than 20 people with this criteria??!! And that was within a 25 mile radius of Chicago! Ok so our clients are NOT on Facebook :)

So I'm off to Twit. Or Twitter. Something creative, something insightful, something gay. We shall see.