Bleeding Hearts

I've been pondering this question for a while now. I feel like I'm seeing a lot of lesbians lately "settling" for someone that's really not a great fit for them. It seems especially prevalent in my life right now (thankfully, not for me). This whole idea of "she checks off 3 of the 5 boxes, so I guess we'll be girlfriends" doesn't sit well with me.

Now I know that no one's perfect, but there appears to be a lot of settling going on. The attitude seems to be "we have a lot of fun together and even though she's not ultimately what I want or cannot bring what I need to the table, I'll be her girlfriend anyway - until I meet someone else." This logic of biding one's time with the emotions of another until something better comes along seems awfully flawed to me, and a recipe for an emotional disaster. (Not to mention, yet another reason to DATE, rather than immediately become committed to someone.)

Having said that - I DO believe that we are with people for a reason. I think we learn things from each other that better shape us to become the human beings we were meant to be, and when those lessons are learned, we move on. Sometimes easy, sometimes very, very hard; but the key words are "move on." What's the saying? "Leave the person better than you found them" or something to that effect. But can you do that when it's a poor fit to begin with? Is that possible, when the two of you shouldn't even be together at all?

I feel like these women are trying to make something out of nothing. And I wonder: do they think there isn't anything better out there? Do they think they will never find that one true love again? I posed this question to a friend of mine, and her answer was, with no hesitation, "Yes. That's exactly it. Cannot imagine getting that lucky twice."

Which begs the question: will the universe conspire to help you in getting what you want, if the message you send is "this is fine for now, actually; thankyouverymuch" ?

I also think lesbians, in particular, tend to overlook "deal breakers"; attempting to convince themselves that particular "big deals" are not, in fact, big deals at all. Not attracted to her? Oh well. I'll just try and overlook that. You want a relationship, but she is not and will not be at any time in the near future ready or available to be in a relationship? Ok then, I'll still hang around.

These are big deals, people! These flags are so red they look like they're bleeding.

One of our tag lines is "Someone is waiting to meet you." I truly believe this: whether it's through IGC or not - someone IS waiting to meet you. But you have to be available to meet THEM. You have to get rid of the old to make way for the new. This goes for shoes and partners. :)

I know the reason I'm comfortable saying this is because I see the database of people we have at IGC every single day. I KNOW that there are so many more "fish in the sea" than people in our community think there are. Personally, I know you can find that love again - the love you thought was only going to happen to you once. You have to be open to it, you have to trust that it will happen. You have to welcome it into your life with open arms; and I don't know that you can do that when your arms are around someone else.

I also want you to be grateful for that "once-in-a-lifetime" love; because now you know what it feels like. And if you are someone who has "settled", you know it's different than how you feel now. Don't settle until you find it again! And you will - I know this.

Dating Workshop

Tomorrow is our 3rd dating workshop, and I have been so impressed with the turnout we've been getting these last few months! As the date creeps closer, I always get nervous because there aren't many people signed up, then the day before - BAM! It's phone call after phone call - people pre-registering for the workshop.

I'm so excited about the one we're doing tomorrow, because we're having one of our IGC success stories come and speak about his experience. We're still doing the top 5 dating tips, but at one point, I'll bring Frank up to speak. This is going to be great because he will be speaking from his heart - there isn't anything I've asked him to say or not to mention. Frank was, truly, one of our perfect dates - he had 15 introductions, and not one person could say ANYTHING negative about him! Nothing! I just love him, and I especially love he and Bob together - what a great couple!

The funny thing is - in the last two workshops, I talked about Frank. It was only at the last workshop that we received feedback asking that we bring in an IGC success story. In thinking about who I wanted to ask, all of a sudden I thought: well, duh! Frank! I called him the next day and he agreed.

I've also been thinking about having a dating workshop for just the women, and bringing in two of our lesbian success stories. They've jokingly told me that they feel they are the "IGC Poster Couple" and I agree!! :)

It's weird though - I feel like both women and men can learn from Frank and the way he approached every introduction, but to bring two women in to speak....I'm not sure if it will hit home with the guys as much. I don't really know why. I'm sort of figuring this out as I type. But I've been thinking about it....

Maybe it just comes down to the fact that I think my guys are better daters than my girls. The women will have one great date, then call me and put their memberships on Hold. My guys will have one great date, then call me and say, "Ok who else you got for me?" Now - that same guy will eventually put his membership on Hold for that one great date, but not until he has met 2 or 3 other guys, and gone out with that great date for at least another month. Is that necessarily better? I don't know. What works for one person might not work for another, but I have to say - I think erring on the side of more dating versus less dating is almost always the better idea. Us lesbians have been known to "nest" rather quickly.

Frank went out 15 times, but ended up with his SECOND match. Is it because he took the time to get to know his second match, without the pressure of putting all his eggs in one basket? In other words, did he fare better because there was no pressure of "oh this guy is great and I could totally see myself with him for a long time so therefore I'm shunning any other possibilities"? I think so.

At any rate, I'm so excited to hear what Frank has to say to our participants tomorrow, so if you're reading this and haven't signed up yet to join us - trust me, just do it! :)

What's with the attitude?

Lately there's been a rash of clients who are doing nothing but whining! It's like I have to twist their arm just to get them to go out! I don't understand - would you just give up if you went on 5 job interviews and were still jobless? Of course not! Would you say, "Well ok, I guess I'm gonna live on the street now." No way! You get back up on the horse and you try, try again. Good grief!! I just don't get it. Clients who came in for their initial interview and were so full of life and good energy and enthusiasm now sound on the phone like they just came from a funeral. Or they're on a heavy dose of Valium.

Look - if I could guarantee you'd meet your life partner thru IGC, we'd have a much different pricing structure. But good grief! Get a grip people! You want to date? You're GOING to date! So get over it, and get on with it!

You don't have to sue us to get a date

Oh boy do I have a lot to say about this eHarmony/Compatible Partners thing.

For those of you who don't know, eHarmony has been sued a couple of times for discrimination. As best I understand, it has fallen under the state laws that say you can't discriminate against anyone because of their sexual orientation. eHarmony hasn't admitted any wrongdoing, but they have started to allow gays and lesbians to use their site, calling it "Compatible Partners".

For years I've had clients ask me about eHarmony, and why they didn't allow gays and lesbians. eHarmony's stance (I was told) was that they believed a "healthy" relationship existed between a man and a woman (Heidi and Spencer notwithstanding). I just figured eHarmony didn't need or want any more money.

So now, under duress, they've opened up their algorithms to our community, after shunning us for years. They've finally said, "Ooooook, we'll match you up, even though you know we don't agree with your 'lifestyle'." Is this really what my community has been waiting for?

Let's not forget too - that you can be anyone you want to be online. You can be single, outgoing, and funny; you could be a C-level executive instead of a part-time barista at Starbuck's; you could be a straight man who has a deep, abiding, religiously-born desire to bring harm to anyone who would dare label themselves as "gay". Of course, this is true of any online service. You have to be careful.

It's just so different here at In Good Company. People actually ARE who they say they are. Plus, they have to get through me first ;) It's been 5 years for us, and we have yet to have anyone misrepresent themselves (aside from removing a few years from their age - you know who you are! But that's ok - I do too ;) My clients who are HIV+ have told me they are; my prospective clients who are still married to women have told me (even though I couldn't have them join). I also don't think anyone who's dropping the cash for our fees wants to be dishonest - you can lie for a lot cheaper.

It also disturbs me because I think they are going to make a killing, cash-wise. And here we are, taking it day by day in this difficult economy. Where we opened solely for the gay and lesbian community and have kept our focus on that, they have begrudgingly - finally - decided to take our money.

So where will you go, current or prospective IGC client? Will you continue to spend hours online each night, hoping the information you are reading about someone is accurate? Then hoping one of you has the nerve to suggest a meeting? Or will you hire someone to do all that for you - to let you focus on your professional life, while we find great matches for you, give you factual information about them, even set up the introduction in a casual, low-stress environment. That's what In Good Company does for the Chicagoland gay and lesbian community, and what we've been doing since 2005.

Want to date within the gay and lesbian community? You don't have to set a legal precedent; just set an appointment with In Good Company.

Twittering

Ok, ok - so I'm trying to hop on the Twitter bandwagon. I know - I'm way behind in utilizing this (I'm being told "useful") tool in promoting my business. So I'm trying. Trying to think of something useful and insightful to post. I feel like I have all these good ideas but when I go to twitter them (tweet them? twit them? I'm so behind on the lingo, too) I forget. Or they don't sound very profound. Or useful.

Everyone I'm following - Katie Couric, Martha Stewart, Exec Tweets - even Samantha Ronson - seem to have funny, witty, or intelligent posts. My latest? "Must must must create multiple revenue streams!" Well, duh!

Speaking of, IGC is starting to hold workshops on Dating. Advice, best practices, tips, etc. After getting feedback on thousands of introductions, we have compiled some really useful information that needs to get out there - trust me! You wouldn't think you would really need to tell people how to dress appropriately for a first introduction, but apparently - you do! There's a lot more to it though; good questions to ask, how to follow up with pertinent information, even the best way to end the introduction. We have a lot of information and it's time to share it! We will have a special page on our website that gives all the details (as soon as we set a date.)

IGC is also experimenting with different advertising venues. I checked out Facebook advertising...I don't really feel like our clients are hanging out on Facebook every day, but they allow you to target your ideal market, so I gave it a shot. Do you know that after I put it "College grad", "Single", "Looking for Men", and the age range of 35-60 - it said there were fewer than 20 people with this criteria??!! And that was within a 25 mile radius of Chicago! Ok so our clients are NOT on Facebook :)

So I'm off to Twit. Or Twitter. Something creative, something insightful, something gay. We shall see.

from CNN: Hungry for love? Matchmakers thrive in slump

By A. Pawlowski
CNN

(CNN) -- Everybody's got a hungry heart, but when bad times hit, it can become positively starving.

As layoffs mount, portfolios shrink and headlines become gloomier, many singles may be finding the harsh reality of having no one to lean on during the economic crisis unbearable.

Some are intensifying their search for love, triggering a boom for matchmakers who are putting a modern spin on the ancient practice of bringing people together.

"People shift their focus in times of economic uncertainty to the things that are sustainable and the things that get them through, and I think that always comes down to relationships," said Ann Robbins, founder and CEO of LifeWorks Matchmaking in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

"People have an absolute need to love and to be loved. That's really, at the end of the day, that's what you have."

Robbins said her number of clients doubled in the first quarter of 2009, compared with the previous quarter. She attributed the rise in part to people re-evaluating their lives during periods of stress and trouble.

Lyle, a 38-year-old financial consultant who lives in New York, became a client about five months ago. (He asked that his last name not be used in this report for privacy reasons.) He reached out to a matchmaker because his busy schedule makes it hard to meet people and online dating didn't feel right for him, he said.

"It always helps to have someone to lean on in life, and it's great to have someone to share great times with, but when times are tough as they are right now, it certainly helps all the more," he said.

'Something to look forward to'

Online matchmaking site eHarmony.com is also seeing increased interest. From September 2008 to January 2009, monthly registrations rose an average of 20 percent, compared with the same time period the prior year, according to eHarmony CEO Greg Waldorf.

Matchmakers aren't surprised they are staying busy during the recession.

"I think that as people go through more difficult times, being alone becomes more difficult," said Patti Novak, owner of Buffalo Niagara Introductions in Buffalo, New York.

"[Even] if they can only afford popcorn and a six-pack on a Saturday night, they'd rather do it with somebody than alone," she added.

Novak, who is the author of "Get Over Yourself!" and starred in the A&E reality series "Confessions of a Matchmaker," has seen a 30 percent increase in clients in the last eight months, she said.

Recent sign-ups include Melissa, a 39-year-old Buffalo, New York, resident who joined the matchmaking service in December. (Melissa asked that her last name not be used in this report for privacy reasons.)

She has since been matched with about seven "really nice people," leading to a number of dates and making it easier to cope with the possibility that her job could be in jeopardy because of the bad economy, Melissa said.

"It actually brings a brighter part to my day to know that I've made an investment for myself that has had great returns already. So it's a very positive feeling and something to look forward to after a very stressful workday," she said.

'Comfort of love'

Mental health experts say turbulent periods can heighten people's need for love and companionship.

"In tough times, you activate your coping mechanisms, and one way to cope is to connect more with people and to get more social support," said Nadine Kaslow, a professor at Emory University School of Medicine and chief psychologist at Grady Health System in Atlanta, Georgia.

Some people looking for emotional support may also be considering the financial benefits of pairing up. One mortgage is easier than two, and a couple can stay afloat even if only one person is working. But Kaslow cautioned singles against rushing into things.

"When people are really stressed, sometimes their judgment isn't as good as it should be," she said. "Sometimes they think something is better than nothing but they don't really think about the pros and cons of the something."

Matchmakers say one of the benefits of their services is that clients are screened so there are no surprises when introductions take place.

"You know already if they've been married -- once, never or 15 times. You know whether they have kids, are smokers, what their religious background is," said Beatrice Gruss, founder of Traditional Matchmakers in Atlanta, Georgia.

About 1,500 independent matchmakers operate in the United States, according to the Matchmaking Institute, which offers training and certification. Most rely on questionnaires, interviews and instinct to get a sense of a client's perfect match. Fees can vary from a few hundred to several thousand dollars, and clients can typically expect a couple of matches a month.

For singles yearning to find love, matchmakers can be of value, but there's no one right way to look for a relationship, experts advised.

"You need to look at who is available in your social world already," Kaslow said.

"I think it's always useful to ask friends and other people to help set you up. But there's a value to these online dating services and there is a value to matchmaking, and I think if you really want a relationship, you try one or more of these options and see what works for you."
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I couldn't have said it better myself. Now is a great time to join!!!

Love Is In The Air!

I made some phone calls today to some of my clients that have been on Hold for a while (for those of you that aren't clients - IGC members can put their memberships on "Hold" for up to one year for any reason, although it's usually because they've met someone and want to see how it develops). I got a couple of clients back in the fold and ready to go out (yay!) and two of my clients informed me that they are getting married in October! I was like, "Why didn't anyone let me know???!!!" Although of course I had a huge grin on my face! :)

This has happened on a number of occasions, and while it's always so much fun to hear back from a client with this type of news, I know there are so many more IGC success stories out there. I know this because I hear them through the "grapevine". Let's say I'm at a fundraiser, for example, and someone in our group conversation finds out what I do for a living. He then says, "You introduced my friend to his partner back in 2005, and they're still together!" To which I respond, "Really? That's awesome!"

I was at dinner a few months ago with some friends and acquaintances and one of them said, "You introduced my friend Carol to the love of her life." My response: "I did?"

I wonder what that's all about...it's interesting how some clients come in and they are ready to practically tell the whole world that they've joined In Good Company, whereas other clients don't even tell their closest friends. It doesn't really bother me either way - we treat everyone with the same discretion. But I wonder if some clients don't want others to know HOW they met. Perhaps they feel weird about joining an introduction service? I'm not sure. It's a no-brainer in the straight community - there's a ton of introduction services for them, many that have been in business for over 10 years, if not longer. I think for straight people to join a "dating" service (I hate that term, by the way - we prefer "Introduction" service. After all, we are simply "introducing" clients to each other...) their only hesitation is usually "which one?"

In any case, the fact that there are clients out there who are in lasting relationships because of IGC still makes me smile, even if I might not ever know about all of them.