The Challenges of a Small Business Owner

Well, I'm sorry to say it's finally happened. After 5 1/2 years and thousands of introductions, we have received our very first chargeback. For those of you who don't know, a chargeback is something you can do when you've put an amount on your credit card and you want your money back. For whatever reason.

Now, in theory, it's a great idea. If you don't feel you've received the services you were promised, you have recourse. I get it.

But for the small business owner, it's a huge blow; both to your business bank account and your pride. I suppose it was bound to happen at some point: the longer you're in business, the more clients you have, the more opportunity there is for letting in a bad apple. I know we deal with the very delicate issue that is people's personal lives. But these factors still don't lessen the impact.

I know the reason it hurts so much is because I'm being accused of something that I'm not. You want to call me a bitch? I own that. Tell me I have issues with control? I totally agree. But accuse me of being dishonest in my work - where the only thing I have is my integrity - and that cuts to the bone.

Does that make me weak? I don't know. I feel like a man, in my position, would just get mad. Or have the ability to blow it off and not worry about it. But I feel persecuted. Insulted. Shocked. I'm ashamed to say I've shed a few tears over it. And I'm ashamed to write that here for all of you to see.

I've given refunds before. We certainly don't make it a habit, but there have been a few times where I realized I cannot fulfill my end of the agreement with a client. And in those instances, we do the right thing. Because it comes down to integrity, and integrity is something you can't buy. When I'm in the wrong, I admit it. To me, that's integrity. But when I'm right - when I'm doing the right thing for my company and protecting my clients - I will stand up and fight anyone or anything that challenges IGC's core values.

I've been reading "Delivering Happiness: A Path to Profits, Passion, and Purpose" by Tony Hsieh, CEO of Zappos.com. He talks about all the stressful times he and his partners went through, and how it taught him many lessons along the way to becoming the billion-dollar operation that Zappos.com is today. It reminds me that In Good Company is here for a purpose. We will continue to face stressful situations, just like any business. But along our journey, lessons will be learned; better judgments made; and hopefully, delusional threats won't offend as much.

Every day that I'm blessed to be able to provide for my clients is another day I learn to be a better businessperson. The groundwork is being laid for the path that I am taking In Good Company on; knowing this dries any tears.

"Everybody has their own private mountain they were put on this earth to climb." Yes, I believe this. And the summit will be SO worth it!

The Fine Art Of Missing Someone

No other time during the year brings more awareness of feeling displaced, lonely, and isolated than the holidays. Many people I know are going through this for various reasons, but they can all be put under the heading "Missing Someone Special".

For some of us, it's the after-breakup time. When you romanticize your past relationship, forgetting the bad times; the clues you were given but ignored because you were desperately in love. And wondering - do you still get your ex a Christmas gift? If so, how big or small? I have a friend who keeps hoping her ex will show up one day, ring in a box, and change her world forever. The holidays, with all their sparkle and promise, make us pray for miracles.

For others, it's the after-the-death-of-a-loved-one time. When you have to go through the interruption of routine: this is the time of day when she would call her dad - oh wait, she can't anymore. Or, he would go to his Mom's house for Christmas Eve - well, not this year, or any year from now on. Difficult and awful at any time, but especially during the holidays, when family gathers around and there is comfort in tradition.

Here's what I have learned: that you must suffer through the times of "Missing Someone." Like a smoker who is trying to quit; if you can just get through each craving that comes, you will be OK for a little while longer. It is fine to sit and cry over your loss. It is perfectly acceptable to have a pity party for yourself every once in a while. Be still with your loss, let it wash over you; and when you are calm again, dry your eyes, and keep moving ahead. It's absolutely fine to take 2 steps back, as long as you are taking 4 steps forward. And please - go talk to a grief counselor if you are feeling helpless. The only way out of grief is through it.

Some of you may know about the original lyrics to "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", characterized as too "depressing" and changed to be more uplifting and optimistic: the original first line being "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last". In honor of all of you who are missing someone, here are the lyrics as we know them today. And may all our hearts be light.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Top 12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #5

5. Not Following Up When You Say You Will

Oh boy is this a big one! And I hear about it all the time (which is why it's #5!)
This is paramount in keeping your Dating Karma clean.

So you've met someone that is nice enough, but just not right for you. They've handed you their card and said, "Give me a call!" and before you can stop yourself, you've responded with, "Yeah, absolutely!" all the while thinking "I'm never going to call you." Well guess what? YOU HAVE TO. Just bite the bullet, and DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD.

Put on your big boy pants, dial the number, and simply tell the person "I don't feel a romantic connection between us, but we could hang out as friends sometime." I know this isn't easy to say; it feels easier to hide away and not return their phone calls, or send them an email talking about how busy you are with work and travel. Just because it's the right thing to do, doesn't mean it's the easiest. Welcome to adulthood.

If you tell a friend/coworker/partner/sibling that you'll call them on Wednesday, CALL THEM ON WEDNESDAY. Following up in these small ways adds up over time, and people begin to view you as a person they can count on and trust. And that's a great reputation to get!

The Match Off!

What an amazing experience this was!! For those of you that don't know, we were chosen to participate in a matchmaking reality show here in Chicago. It pitted two matchmakers against each other to see who did the best job of matching "the single". Needless to say, IGC's professionalism won out in the end, as you can see here.

During filming, I met the most amazing, hard-working, fun people in television production. LXTV really has their act together! I was shocked at how much footage ended up on the proverbial cutting room floor. But how much can you possibly squeeze into a 22 minute show?

I don't know how the editors sat through all those hours of footage, but if they make a bloopers reel, you'll want to see it! Suffice to say, there was dancing and rapping, among other things. This experience was so much fun - I would do it again in a heartbeat. And business has been booming since the show aired!! We are so grateful to NBC Universal for giving LXTV a chance with this show. Fingers crossed they ask for more episodes!!

In the meantime, visit www.thematchoff.com and watch the episode, as well as some of my dating tips!

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #6

6. Dressing Like You Didn't Make An Effort

Sometimes we can get lax in our appearance. Or we think "they need to like me as I am." Sorry, that's not how it works.

Your first dates are job interviews. You must put forth the same effort you would in an interview for a potential job. I have gotten feedback from thousands of gay men over the years, so trust me when I tell you how important the effort is that you put into your appearance.

Make sure your pants are hemmed perfectly. Everything should be pressed. No flip flops, no shorts, no hats.

Some clothing and shoes are so familiar to us that we don't see how raggedy they've become. I remember being in a Coach store and my girlfriend was showing me new wallets. I told her I didn't need a new wallet; mine worked just fine. And as I pulled it out of my purse to prove my point, I finally saw it in the glaring fluorescent lights amid all the brand new leather wallets - and it looked AWFUL. All of a sudden, I saw it for what it was: a wallet I had used almost every day for 8 years. 8 years! Ratty, worn, and very worn-out. If I was on a date with someone and they pulled out a wallet that looked like that, it would definitely send the wrong message. Would it be an accurate message? Maybe not. But not a good impression for sure. There's a reason people buy Mont Blanc pens, and it's not because they write better than a Bic.

Have a trusted friend give your closet the once-over so they can help you see what needs to be spruced up. So you have a favorite pair of boots for the fall and winter. Do they need to be polished? If you must wear flip flops on a date (if you do, they should be designer ones) are you doing the proper maintenance on your feet? Are your fingernails clean and trimmed? Are your pants too baggy? Is your belt showing wear and tear?

Making the extra effort in your appearance shows your match that you care about how you look, and that is a GREAT first impression!

Dykes Market

A relative of a friend was in Hawaii recently and discovered "Dykes Market", which she texted to my (lesbian) friend who then told me. We immediately began musing on how great it would be to have a REAL Dykes Market from which we could choose a great woman.

(Sidenote: I have always called myself a "dyke", even though my "official" label would be femme. Dyke is not a derogatory term for me, nor have I ever used it as such. Because if I embrace it, then being called it cannot be hurtful or mean or shameful. To me, dyke is synonymous with lesbian. Moving on...)

Back to Dykes Market. How great to be able to walk into a store and have so many different lesbians to choose from, perhaps along with some fabulous cheese. "I'll take those peonies, the soft stud with the great hair, and a wedge of the Maytag bleu, please." Genius! It's like a perfect Friday night all found at one store: Dykes Market.

The dykes would all be single, of course, and in their natural settings. Be it relaxing with a beer on a bar stool, on her Blackberry in a business suit, or making a hemp bracelet for her future buyer.

There would be a return policy with a receipt, or at least a store credit without one. You know, if they start to get mouthy. There would be different departments, depending on what you want: soft studs, bois, butch, soft butch, lipstick - the list would go on and on!

Once they were all broken up into departments, they would be put in order of attraction/price. There could even be a clearance rack for those who've been hit hard in these tough economic times. Filet Mignon all the way to ground beef, if you will.

My friend decided she'll get a new one every year with her tax refund.

What would YOU like to see at Dykes Market?

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #7

7. Only Talking About Yourself/Not Showing An Interest In Your Date

My clients are an accomplished group - doctors, big-shot lawyers, CEO's, published authors, etc etc. They have a lot to talk about! But sometimes we can get so focused on ourselves that we forget to find out about the other person. It makes it especially harder if your date is someone who asks a lot of questions and encourages you to keep your monologue going.

Resist! I hear so many times from my clients "well, I know a lot more about him than he knows about me." If you haven't been to my dating workshops, one of the important things we talk about is "Give Information, then Get Information." This is the cornerstone of a good conversation.

Like the previous entry, you might be thinking, "duh!" But again, you'd be surprised how often I hear the above feedback.

"Give information, then get information" is also a very useful tool when starting a new conversation with someone you don't know. We all hate that "awkward silence" that can occur when you've met someone for the first time, or you're waiting for your food to arrive at the restaurant and you feel you've exhausted all your conversation starters. Even if the question is, "So what's your favorite color?" you can start a conversation from there if you make it a point to give information, then get information.

For example:

Person A: So, what's your favorite color?

Person B: I really like red a lot. I used to have a dining room that I painted red and it really created such a warm and inviting environment for when I entertained. I love to cook and have friends over - even if it's a casual night. What about you -do you like to cook and entertain?

If you make the effort, you can turn a bland question into a conversation about the two of you where you are actually getting useful information about your date. Before you know it, viola! You're in a full-blown conversation and it soon becomes effortless.

A good rule of thumb is something salespeople are often taught: If you feel like you're talking too much, you probably are. Stop the "period" sentences, and start with the questions: and give the other person a chance to tell you about themselves.