from CNN: Hungry for love? Matchmakers thrive in slump

By A. Pawlowski
CNN

(CNN) -- Everybody's got a hungry heart, but when bad times hit, it can become positively starving.

As layoffs mount, portfolios shrink and headlines become gloomier, many singles may be finding the harsh reality of having no one to lean on during the economic crisis unbearable.

Some are intensifying their search for love, triggering a boom for matchmakers who are putting a modern spin on the ancient practice of bringing people together.

"People shift their focus in times of economic uncertainty to the things that are sustainable and the things that get them through, and I think that always comes down to relationships," said Ann Robbins, founder and CEO of LifeWorks Matchmaking in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.

"People have an absolute need to love and to be loved. That's really, at the end of the day, that's what you have."

Robbins said her number of clients doubled in the first quarter of 2009, compared with the previous quarter. She attributed the rise in part to people re-evaluating their lives during periods of stress and trouble.

Lyle, a 38-year-old financial consultant who lives in New York, became a client about five months ago. (He asked that his last name not be used in this report for privacy reasons.) He reached out to a matchmaker because his busy schedule makes it hard to meet people and online dating didn't feel right for him, he said.

"It always helps to have someone to lean on in life, and it's great to have someone to share great times with, but when times are tough as they are right now, it certainly helps all the more," he said.

'Something to look forward to'

Online matchmaking site eHarmony.com is also seeing increased interest. From September 2008 to January 2009, monthly registrations rose an average of 20 percent, compared with the same time period the prior year, according to eHarmony CEO Greg Waldorf.

Matchmakers aren't surprised they are staying busy during the recession.

"I think that as people go through more difficult times, being alone becomes more difficult," said Patti Novak, owner of Buffalo Niagara Introductions in Buffalo, New York.

"[Even] if they can only afford popcorn and a six-pack on a Saturday night, they'd rather do it with somebody than alone," she added.

Novak, who is the author of "Get Over Yourself!" and starred in the A&E reality series "Confessions of a Matchmaker," has seen a 30 percent increase in clients in the last eight months, she said.

Recent sign-ups include Melissa, a 39-year-old Buffalo, New York, resident who joined the matchmaking service in December. (Melissa asked that her last name not be used in this report for privacy reasons.)

She has since been matched with about seven "really nice people," leading to a number of dates and making it easier to cope with the possibility that her job could be in jeopardy because of the bad economy, Melissa said.

"It actually brings a brighter part to my day to know that I've made an investment for myself that has had great returns already. So it's a very positive feeling and something to look forward to after a very stressful workday," she said.

'Comfort of love'

Mental health experts say turbulent periods can heighten people's need for love and companionship.

"In tough times, you activate your coping mechanisms, and one way to cope is to connect more with people and to get more social support," said Nadine Kaslow, a professor at Emory University School of Medicine and chief psychologist at Grady Health System in Atlanta, Georgia.

Some people looking for emotional support may also be considering the financial benefits of pairing up. One mortgage is easier than two, and a couple can stay afloat even if only one person is working. But Kaslow cautioned singles against rushing into things.

"When people are really stressed, sometimes their judgment isn't as good as it should be," she said. "Sometimes they think something is better than nothing but they don't really think about the pros and cons of the something."

Matchmakers say one of the benefits of their services is that clients are screened so there are no surprises when introductions take place.

"You know already if they've been married -- once, never or 15 times. You know whether they have kids, are smokers, what their religious background is," said Beatrice Gruss, founder of Traditional Matchmakers in Atlanta, Georgia.

About 1,500 independent matchmakers operate in the United States, according to the Matchmaking Institute, which offers training and certification. Most rely on questionnaires, interviews and instinct to get a sense of a client's perfect match. Fees can vary from a few hundred to several thousand dollars, and clients can typically expect a couple of matches a month.

For singles yearning to find love, matchmakers can be of value, but there's no one right way to look for a relationship, experts advised.

"You need to look at who is available in your social world already," Kaslow said.

"I think it's always useful to ask friends and other people to help set you up. But there's a value to these online dating services and there is a value to matchmaking, and I think if you really want a relationship, you try one or more of these options and see what works for you."
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I couldn't have said it better myself. Now is a great time to join!!!

Love Is In The Air!

I made some phone calls today to some of my clients that have been on Hold for a while (for those of you that aren't clients - IGC members can put their memberships on "Hold" for up to one year for any reason, although it's usually because they've met someone and want to see how it develops). I got a couple of clients back in the fold and ready to go out (yay!) and two of my clients informed me that they are getting married in October! I was like, "Why didn't anyone let me know???!!!" Although of course I had a huge grin on my face! :)

This has happened on a number of occasions, and while it's always so much fun to hear back from a client with this type of news, I know there are so many more IGC success stories out there. I know this because I hear them through the "grapevine". Let's say I'm at a fundraiser, for example, and someone in our group conversation finds out what I do for a living. He then says, "You introduced my friend to his partner back in 2005, and they're still together!" To which I respond, "Really? That's awesome!"

I was at dinner a few months ago with some friends and acquaintances and one of them said, "You introduced my friend Carol to the love of her life." My response: "I did?"

I wonder what that's all about...it's interesting how some clients come in and they are ready to practically tell the whole world that they've joined In Good Company, whereas other clients don't even tell their closest friends. It doesn't really bother me either way - we treat everyone with the same discretion. But I wonder if some clients don't want others to know HOW they met. Perhaps they feel weird about joining an introduction service? I'm not sure. It's a no-brainer in the straight community - there's a ton of introduction services for them, many that have been in business for over 10 years, if not longer. I think for straight people to join a "dating" service (I hate that term, by the way - we prefer "Introduction" service. After all, we are simply "introducing" clients to each other...) their only hesitation is usually "which one?"

In any case, the fact that there are clients out there who are in lasting relationships because of IGC still makes me smile, even if I might not ever know about all of them.

Welcome to Gay Chicago!

I remember coming up to Chicago back in 2003 - 2004 for improv classes (yes, that's actually why I moved here) and all the times I wanted to go out and try different restaurants. The problem was, I didn't really know anyone here. But because food and I are BFF's, I would walk down the street, find a restaurant that looked good, march inside and sit down to a nice meal and glass of wine all by myself. Now, I can do that; but I know a lot of people who can't, or wouldn't dare. And certainly, I would've rather had company.

So I have an idea that's been rolling around in my head for a few months now, and I'm interested in your opinions about it.

I was thinking about all the gay men and women who travel to Chicago on business, and how I bet it would be nice if they had someone to have dinner with that was also a gay professional. They likely don't know anyone here except their straight colleagues, and they're tired of eating alone in their hotel room. I think it would be great if we could set something up where IGC provides a dinner companion. Not a "date", because the two people live in different cities/states; but someone they could talk to and have a nice dinner with, knowing that the person was educated, intelligent, stable and secure.

It wouldn't cost anything extra for my current clients (the ones who reside in the Chicagoland area) and these dinners wouldn't count towards their introductions.

I would have to be able to interview the out-of-towner in person so my Chicago clients would know that he/she is A-OK. But once I did that, for the rest of the year all the out-of-towner would need to do is call or email us ahead of time, and we can get to work on setting up the dinner(s).

Obviously there's a few kinks to still be worked out, but I feel like it might be a nice service to offer.

Thoughts?

I Know Exactly Who You Need To Meet!

It's pretty rare that I meet a potential new client and think, "wow - I don't think I really have anyone for you." The vast majority of the time, I have plenty of people for someone to meet. The BEST though, is when I know EXACTLY who this new client is going to meet. Like, everything they say just points to ONE PERSON. There are a lot of other clients I'll introduce them to, but it's so much fun to have that feeling about one person in particular.

I try not to "oversell" it when that happens - after all, I can't predict chemistry. Sometimes I've introduced them to what I think is their perfect fit, and then both guys come back and say,"hey, nice guy, but no spark." But when I feel that I have the perfect match for them, I think, "I can't believe you guys haven't met each other yet, because you're totally looking for each other!" That is the best feeling in the world! Ok yes, I'm a bit geeky like that - but how could I do this work and not be?

And yes - sometimes that gut feeling is dead-on. The last commitment ceremony I went to was for 2 of my clients, and I specifically remember telling one of them when they joined, "oh I know EXACTLY what you want." They had one match, and that was it!

It also seems to happen mostly for my clients who sign up for a year membership. No - I'm not trying to up sell someone who is still thinking about joining (besides, anyone who's talked to me for 2 minutes can tell I'm a straight-shooter.) I think it has a LOT to do with sending that message to the universe....that this person is SERIOUS about meeting someone, and they aren't going to go about it half-assed. Now of course that doesn't mean that every client who joins is going to meet their life partner; if I could predict that, clients would get one match and we'd charge $10,000!! But I do think it makes a big statement to the universe - "This is what I want, and I'm going to go after it with gusto!" I've seen it happen so many times. Of course, it all goes back to having that positive attitude - but more on that in another post. :)

Checking in

So I've been calling previous clients lately to check in with them, remind them we're still here, etc etc and I've been getting some really good updates. Some clients renewed their membership because they aren't dating, and some clients are still seeing people we matched them with! In fact, two guys I matched are planning their committment ceremony for July! Then I heard from another previous client that he's been happily dating someone for a few years now. He told me that he actually met his current partner through one of his IGC matches! I hear that kind of thing pretty regularly, so I'm always telling my clients to make an effort to get to know their matches. Even if it's just for 30-40 minutes! Because they never know who that person could be to them in the future.

Imagine meeting a potential date, and the conversation is fine but there's no physical connection. How great would it be to put your best foot forward, be respectful and polite, and get to know them a little bit? Even if there's no chemistry, that doesn't mean that person couldn't become one of your biggest clients, or a colleague. Or, as in the case of some of my clients, you might run into them at an event, they introduce you to a friend of theirs, and bam! THAT'S the guy for you. It happens more often than people think - so remember that IT IS NEVER A WASTE OF TIME TO MEET SOMEONE.


I love getting updates from current and previous clients. They remind me why we're here, and why a service like this is so needed in our community. And I always hear the same thing from my clients who have been successfully matched: "I don't know how I would have ever met him if not thru IGC."

What's in a name...

So this has been an interesting thing that we’ve had to deal with here at In Good Company.

Apparently, there’s a company here in Chicago whose initials are also IGC. From what I’ve gathered, they are some sort of head-hunting company, and they have an automated faxing system that randomly tries to send faxes to various phone numbers at all hours of the day and night.

So here’s what ends up happening:
The other IGC ends up calling Joe Schmo in, let’s say, Kentucky, 5 times from 1a-4a. When Joe Schmo answers the phone, he hears a fax tone. After the 3rd or 4th time, he gets pissed, and calls Information to get the phone number for what’s showing up on his caller i.d. box, which is – you guessed it - IGC. Information looks up the phone number they have for IGC, and gives him our number.

Now, granted – by the time people call us and leave a voice mail, they are understandably pretty ticked off. I end up calling them the next morning and explaining the situation, and give them the correct phone number for the company that keeps automatically dialing them. At that point they are usually pretty apologetic, and I understand their frustration.

I arrive at work this morning to a voice mail from the 918 area code, and they guy says in a thick southern accent:
“Yeah, you guys quite calling me in the middle of the night, you take me off your sam-hell list” and then said something about our “faggoty business” and “going to hell.”

Yeeeaah.

I debated for a moment about whether to call him back or not, but decided I didn’t want another phone call from him. I called the phone number he left and a woman answered. I told her who I was, informed her of the situation, and gave her the correct phone number to call. She was very, very sweet. With a big smile on my face, I then said, “And please tell the man who called me that I said ‘thank you’ for his kind words.” She got quiet at that point, and I could hear the embarrassment and apology in her voice when she said, “oh…yes….I’ll - I will.”

Needless to say, I finally called Information and requested that they change our listing to be under In Good Company instead of IGC. I’m not even sure why it was listed that way originally.

Sometimes I’m still shocked when insults are hurled. Like, I forget sometimes, being in this secular gay world every day – running a gay business, dealing with an all-gay clientele, being gay myself – I forget that there are people who really think we’re disgusting.

PS. We don’t have caller i.d. at In Good Company.

Both Sides of an Introduction

It’s interesting – being someone who matches people up and then has them meet each other. And then hearing both sides of what happened on the introduction!

Client A: “I felt like I was on a job interview – he was grilling me!”
Client B: “I had to keep asking him questions in order to get him to have a conversation.”
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Client A: “I felt like he was ‘old’ for his age. I’m a much younger-thinking guy.”
Client B: “I felt like he was ‘old’ for his age. I’m a much younger-thinking guy.”
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Client A: “She clearly enjoys going to the opera, whereas I like softball, so I don’t think it’s gonna work.”
Client B: “I thought she was great! I hope she calls!”
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We really get to see patterns in our clients, both positive and negative. And it helps us to better match each client next time. What I really find interesting though, is that while we try to get on the right “path” with each member, I think some people forget to look around at the trees while they’re walking. Sometimes we become so focused on what we want, and get so specific with details about our ideal match, that we can’t accept anyone else.

A couple of years ago, I had two clients (we’ll call them Scott and Bob) who ended up meeting each other outside of IGC (in other words, we didn’t set them up). After a few dates that went very well, they discovered that they were both members. Bob expressed some anger at IGC, wondering why I hadn’t set him up with Scott, seeing as they were a great fit and were really enjoying each other’s company. Scott knew why we hadn’t set them up, and finally admitted it to Bob: Bob was out of the age range Scott had requested. They put their memberships on “Hold” for each other shortly thereafter, and last I spoke with them, things were still going strong.

I’ve had a few such instances since then, and now I’m much better about looking off the “path” for my clients. Sometimes I have to twist their arm a bit, but if I feel really strongly about it, then I put forth the effort. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t; but I’d rather have them meet and then know for sure either way, than just assume it wouldn’t work, and never really know.

I had a woman who only wanted to meet women living in the city. Imagine me trying to not only convince her to meet someone who lived outside the city, but who lived in Rockford! She eventually acquiesced, and I sent them out. They exchanged rings back in December 2006.

I had a woman ask me out for a drink the other night. I didn’t ask her if she liked opera, or if she played any sports; I didn’t ask her if she wanted kids, if she read the Wall Street Journal or the Red Eye. I simply said, “Yes!” Who knows what, if anything, will come of it? But one thing (of many!) that my clients have taught me through their own introductions is that it’s never a waste of time to meet someone new. Look at all the possibilities around you; you might be surprised at the tree that catches your eye.