The Fine Art Of Missing Someone

No other time during the year brings more awareness of feeling displaced, lonely, and isolated than the holidays. Many people I know are going through this for various reasons, but they can all be put under the heading "Missing Someone Special".

For some of us, it's the after-breakup time. When you romanticize your past relationship, forgetting the bad times; the clues you were given but ignored because you were desperately in love. And wondering - do you still get your ex a Christmas gift? If so, how big or small? I have a friend who keeps hoping her ex will show up one day, ring in a box, and change her world forever. The holidays, with all their sparkle and promise, make us pray for miracles.

For others, it's the after-the-death-of-a-loved-one time. When you have to go through the interruption of routine: this is the time of day when she would call her dad - oh wait, she can't anymore. Or, he would go to his Mom's house for Christmas Eve - well, not this year, or any year from now on. Difficult and awful at any time, but especially during the holidays, when family gathers around and there is comfort in tradition.

Here's what I have learned: that you must suffer through the times of "Missing Someone." Like a smoker who is trying to quit; if you can just get through each craving that comes, you will be OK for a little while longer. It is fine to sit and cry over your loss. It is perfectly acceptable to have a pity party for yourself every once in a while. Be still with your loss, let it wash over you; and when you are calm again, dry your eyes, and keep moving ahead. It's absolutely fine to take 2 steps back, as long as you are taking 4 steps forward. And please - go talk to a grief counselor if you are feeling helpless. The only way out of grief is through it.

Some of you may know about the original lyrics to "Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas", characterized as too "depressing" and changed to be more uplifting and optimistic: the original first line being "Have yourself a merry little Christmas, it may be your last". In honor of all of you who are missing someone, here are the lyrics as we know them today. And may all our hearts be light.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

Top 12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #5

5. Not Following Up When You Say You Will

Oh boy is this a big one! And I hear about it all the time (which is why it's #5!)
This is paramount in keeping your Dating Karma clean.

So you've met someone that is nice enough, but just not right for you. They've handed you their card and said, "Give me a call!" and before you can stop yourself, you've responded with, "Yeah, absolutely!" all the while thinking "I'm never going to call you." Well guess what? YOU HAVE TO. Just bite the bullet, and DO WHAT YOU SAID YOU WOULD.

Put on your big boy pants, dial the number, and simply tell the person "I don't feel a romantic connection between us, but we could hang out as friends sometime." I know this isn't easy to say; it feels easier to hide away and not return their phone calls, or send them an email talking about how busy you are with work and travel. Just because it's the right thing to do, doesn't mean it's the easiest. Welcome to adulthood.

If you tell a friend/coworker/partner/sibling that you'll call them on Wednesday, CALL THEM ON WEDNESDAY. Following up in these small ways adds up over time, and people begin to view you as a person they can count on and trust. And that's a great reputation to get!

The Match Off!

What an amazing experience this was!! For those of you that don't know, we were chosen to participate in a matchmaking reality show here in Chicago. It pitted two matchmakers against each other to see who did the best job of matching "the single". Needless to say, IGC's professionalism won out in the end, as you can see here.

During filming, I met the most amazing, hard-working, fun people in television production. LXTV really has their act together! I was shocked at how much footage ended up on the proverbial cutting room floor. But how much can you possibly squeeze into a 22 minute show?

I don't know how the editors sat through all those hours of footage, but if they make a bloopers reel, you'll want to see it! Suffice to say, there was dancing and rapping, among other things. This experience was so much fun - I would do it again in a heartbeat. And business has been booming since the show aired!! We are so grateful to NBC Universal for giving LXTV a chance with this show. Fingers crossed they ask for more episodes!!

In the meantime, visit www.thematchoff.com and watch the episode, as well as some of my dating tips!

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #6

6. Dressing Like You Didn't Make An Effort

Sometimes we can get lax in our appearance. Or we think "they need to like me as I am." Sorry, that's not how it works.

Your first dates are job interviews. You must put forth the same effort you would in an interview for a potential job. I have gotten feedback from thousands of gay men over the years, so trust me when I tell you how important the effort is that you put into your appearance.

Make sure your pants are hemmed perfectly. Everything should be pressed. No flip flops, no shorts, no hats.

Some clothing and shoes are so familiar to us that we don't see how raggedy they've become. I remember being in a Coach store and my girlfriend was showing me new wallets. I told her I didn't need a new wallet; mine worked just fine. And as I pulled it out of my purse to prove my point, I finally saw it in the glaring fluorescent lights amid all the brand new leather wallets - and it looked AWFUL. All of a sudden, I saw it for what it was: a wallet I had used almost every day for 8 years. 8 years! Ratty, worn, and very worn-out. If I was on a date with someone and they pulled out a wallet that looked like that, it would definitely send the wrong message. Would it be an accurate message? Maybe not. But not a good impression for sure. There's a reason people buy Mont Blanc pens, and it's not because they write better than a Bic.

Have a trusted friend give your closet the once-over so they can help you see what needs to be spruced up. So you have a favorite pair of boots for the fall and winter. Do they need to be polished? If you must wear flip flops on a date (if you do, they should be designer ones) are you doing the proper maintenance on your feet? Are your fingernails clean and trimmed? Are your pants too baggy? Is your belt showing wear and tear?

Making the extra effort in your appearance shows your match that you care about how you look, and that is a GREAT first impression!

Dykes Market

A relative of a friend was in Hawaii recently and discovered "Dykes Market", which she texted to my (lesbian) friend who then told me. We immediately began musing on how great it would be to have a REAL Dykes Market from which we could choose a great woman.

(Sidenote: I have always called myself a "dyke", even though my "official" label would be femme. Dyke is not a derogatory term for me, nor have I ever used it as such. Because if I embrace it, then being called it cannot be hurtful or mean or shameful. To me, dyke is synonymous with lesbian. Moving on...)

Back to Dykes Market. How great to be able to walk into a store and have so many different lesbians to choose from, perhaps along with some fabulous cheese. "I'll take those peonies, the soft stud with the great hair, and a wedge of the Maytag bleu, please." Genius! It's like a perfect Friday night all found at one store: Dykes Market.

The dykes would all be single, of course, and in their natural settings. Be it relaxing with a beer on a bar stool, on her Blackberry in a business suit, or making a hemp bracelet for her future buyer.

There would be a return policy with a receipt, or at least a store credit without one. You know, if they start to get mouthy. There would be different departments, depending on what you want: soft studs, bois, butch, soft butch, lipstick - the list would go on and on!

Once they were all broken up into departments, they would be put in order of attraction/price. There could even be a clearance rack for those who've been hit hard in these tough economic times. Filet Mignon all the way to ground beef, if you will.

My friend decided she'll get a new one every year with her tax refund.

What would YOU like to see at Dykes Market?

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #7

7. Only Talking About Yourself/Not Showing An Interest In Your Date

My clients are an accomplished group - doctors, big-shot lawyers, CEO's, published authors, etc etc. They have a lot to talk about! But sometimes we can get so focused on ourselves that we forget to find out about the other person. It makes it especially harder if your date is someone who asks a lot of questions and encourages you to keep your monologue going.

Resist! I hear so many times from my clients "well, I know a lot more about him than he knows about me." If you haven't been to my dating workshops, one of the important things we talk about is "Give Information, then Get Information." This is the cornerstone of a good conversation.

Like the previous entry, you might be thinking, "duh!" But again, you'd be surprised how often I hear the above feedback.

"Give information, then get information" is also a very useful tool when starting a new conversation with someone you don't know. We all hate that "awkward silence" that can occur when you've met someone for the first time, or you're waiting for your food to arrive at the restaurant and you feel you've exhausted all your conversation starters. Even if the question is, "So what's your favorite color?" you can start a conversation from there if you make it a point to give information, then get information.

For example:

Person A: So, what's your favorite color?

Person B: I really like red a lot. I used to have a dining room that I painted red and it really created such a warm and inviting environment for when I entertained. I love to cook and have friends over - even if it's a casual night. What about you -do you like to cook and entertain?

If you make the effort, you can turn a bland question into a conversation about the two of you where you are actually getting useful information about your date. Before you know it, viola! You're in a full-blown conversation and it soon becomes effortless.

A good rule of thumb is something salespeople are often taught: If you feel like you're talking too much, you probably are. Stop the "period" sentences, and start with the questions: and give the other person a chance to tell you about themselves.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #8

8. No Eye Contact

Ever had a date with someone and about 20 minutes in, you're just about begging them to LOOK AT YOU? I actually said that to someone I went on a date with 5 years ago. Perhaps it's the matchmaker in me, but I just couldn't take it anymore and finally slammed my hand down on the table to get her attention and said, "Julie! Look at me!"

She was a fine conversationalist, but she just refused to look me in the eye. Unfortunately the lack of eye contact superseded all the other great qualities about her. A second date was out of the question.

When you're on a date, you must look the other person in the eye. I know what you're thinking: duh! But you'd be surprised at how often I hear this from my clients. When you're not giving your full attention to your date, they can see it and feel it. It makes for an awkward conversation, with your date wondering the entire time "why isn't he/she looking at me?"

I've said it before numerous times: your first date is like a job interview. Can you imagine being on a job interview and not looking the interviewee in the eye? Of course not! You must show your confidence and interest in the person (job).

Besides, lack of eye contact can make you appear restless, easily distracted, and fidgety. Are those the impressions you want your date to have of you?

From now on, make a special effort to focus on the person you're talking with, and see if you catch yourself looking around for distractions. And goodness knows - stop looking at all the cute boys that pass by your table!! Your date sees that too.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #9

9. Name Dropping and Income-Indicating

If there's one thing that will turn your date sour in a heartbeat, it's bragging about yourself; and there is a very clear distinction between being confident and being arrogant.

Here at IGC, we attract a certain type of clientele. We don't have an income requirement by any stretch of the imagination, but our pricing helps ensure that we retain a certain level of professionalism, maturity, and stability within our client base. And when you have that type of person who is also genuine and down to earth, it makes it easier to get to know them because there's no pretense; whether or not they drive off in a Mercedes.

When someone feels the need to boast about who they know or how much money they make, it's a clear indication of a lack of self-esteem. If you feel the need to self-aggrandize in order to "sell" yourself to your date, it's time to strip away the pretense. Having money and knowing famous people is great, but it won't keep you warm at night. Besides, you need to be with someone who will love you regardless of how much, or how little, money you have.

Besides, it's just flat-out not attractive to "boast" for the sake of boasting. Keep your cards close to your chest so you don't attract opportunists. Remember, if you advertise it, you must want people to come get it.

As a very wealthy woman once told me, "When you reach a certain level of professional and financial success, you realize that you don't really want people to know too many details about you. If you make a spectacle of yourself, it cultivates a breeding ground of people who will take advantage of you and your status." There's nothing wrong with being confident and accomplished, just temper it with a bit of humbleness.

And as for the very wealthy woman I mentioned above? You can find her name on countless plaques across the city for her philanthropic work. Just look for the placard inscribed "Generously Donated By Anonymous".

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #10

10: Talking About Your Religion. Excessively.

Everyone has their own beliefs and their own way of expressing those beliefs. But just like politics, there is very little room for religion during first date conversation.

If you want to briefly share your beliefs, perhaps the church you attend; fine. But limit that conversation to 5 minutes MAX. Religion is such a deeply personal thing - and like most personal things, it should come out on the 4th or 5th date to be discussed in more depth. It's at this point that you and the person you're dating begin to really connect on a deeper level, sharing more intimate details that make up who you are as a person.

So keep first date conversation light, and save the more intimate conversation for when you are, in fact, more intimate.

And if you are a part of something where you feel the urge to tell people "it's not a cult", it probably is. If you hear that statement from your date's mouth, run. They have no room for you in their life.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #11

11. Being Clingy

A good example of this is when you have a date with someone, they don't hear from you within 24 hours, so you get a text from them that says "Are we ok?"

"We"? There is no "we"! This is called DATING; not WE HAD ONE DATE SO NOW I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Give your date some space and chill out. Not every date is going to hit it out of the ballpark for you, and vice versa. Some people find it easier to avoid the "Let's just be friends" conversation. If you get no phone call or email, then that's the message they're sending.

On the other hand, if you had a good time with someone, it's perfectly fine to text, email, or call them later to say so. Just don't get upset if you don't hear back from them. Yes - returning ones phone call is the polite thing to do, but not everyone does it (and we've all been there).

Here are some clingy behaviors to avoid when it's still early in the game:

*calling every day

*asking to meet the parents

*asking to meet their friends

*sharing too much personal information

*expecting them to help you out emotionally and/or financially

Confidence is sexy; neediness is not. Act accordingly!

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs

I find some people are their own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Either they think they're doing the right thing by trying to impress their date, or they're completely unaware that they are sabotaging things!

So here is the countdown of the Top 12 Big Dating Turn-Offs, one at a time. Keep coming back for more!!

12. Not Being Well-Read

You must must must keep abreast of current events. Even better if you can develop what I call a "wide range of intelligence". You should be able to discuss everything from politics to a favorite reality TV show, and everything in between. Think of date conversation as Chicago's very own Red Eye - a little of this and a little of that.

You need to be able to find a jumping-off point for almost any conversation starter that's thrown your way. You don't have to be an expert in world affairs, but you do need to know that France's President is Nicolas Sarkozy. You don't have to watch "Survivor", but you need to know that it's still on TV.

The more well-versed you are on various topics, the easier first date conversation will be. And if you can make it easier on yourself, why not?

Will IGC Be On Reality TV?

We've had an interesting week - we are in the process of finalizing our first Supper Club (which is tentatively scheduled for April 19), our first Support/Peer Group is set to begin April 7, AND - I was interviewed to potentially be on a reality show about matchmakers!!

The interview was a lot of fun, and the producers were great to talk with. But I'll be honest: I left there feeling a bit dejected. I felt like perhaps the way I run IGC wasn't as "drama filled" as they would prefer. Maybe it IS great for TV - and maybe I'm just too used to it to really see that. I know that I want to be cast on the show - it would be great for business and also great for people to see an out-lesbian-business owner on TV.

I kept wondering if they were looking for someone like Patti Stanger, the Millionaire Matchmaker. While I admire everything she's accomplished, I'm just not like her. I don't cuss out my clients! We just don't attract that type of clientele. If I interview someone who is "too big for his britches" (as my mom used to say!) then I don't accept them as a client. I'm not here to fight with my clients - I'm here to do everything I can to find them a loving, long-lasting relationship.

Now this is not to say we don't have any drama. Boy oh boy is there some drama! But it's my job to smooth that over; not to fan the flame. This is very serious stuff we're dealing with here: this is people's personal lives! I have to be as delicate as possible, while assisting my clients in putting their best foot forward so the odds are in their favor.

They asked me in the interview if I would feel comfortable commenting on how the date was going (apparently there would be cameras there on the date). I said absolutely! Do you guys have any idea how much I would love to be a fly on the wall when you're out with your matches? To see who's doing what wrong; who's doing things right; who is giving the wrong impression; who isn't following my dating workshop tips (Sidenote: those clients who have attended my Dating Workshop all say the same thing: they always know when they meet a client who HASN'T been to the workshop! So if you haven't signed up for it yet, do it today).

On the other hand, my partner and my friends have all said the same thing: that I can be pretty bitchy! (They've also said this is a compliment...hmmmmm...) I don't know that I really see that. I know I'm confident, self-assured, and I don't let myself get pushed around. Perhaps that's seen as bitchy? So this goes back to what I said earlier: maybe I'm just too used to it, but that doesn't mean that it wouldn't make for good TV!

Another thing I would need to find is clients or prospective clients who would be willing to, essentially, "be gay on TV." It's one thing for my clients to be out at work or to their families: it's another thing entirely to be on TV on a gay date for all of Chicagoland to see. Let's say that the single person they cast has potentially 30 good matches with which I could provide him/her. But how many of those 30 are willing to have their date filmed? This presents an interesting challenge, but one I am ready to tackle!!

Let me know your thoughts: how would YOU feel about being gay on TV?

Northwestern provides inspiration!

I had the BEST experience last week! I was invited by the Women's Center at Northwestern University to speak about online dating. I went to the Evanston campus on Wednesday, then the downtown campus on Thursday. All the participants were so nice and had great questions, and it could not have been more fun!

IGC isn't typically known for online dating, but I was thrilled for an opportunity to do some further research into this other aspect of dating. While IGC is in its season of growth, we need to become more well-rounded in the dating industry. Whereas traditional matchmaking will always be our focus, we are now offering many more options to members and non-members alike. Be on the lookout for more dating workshops, support groups, and a supper club (!) - we're even offering a profile writing service so you can have the best online experience with whatever site you choose! I am so happy to start covering many more aspects of dating, although matchmaking will remain near and dear to my heart. We simply want to be the "go to" place for all questions, concerns, and assistance about dating - in any medium.

The women at Northwestern could not have been more welcoming to me, and I hope this is the start of many more speaking engagements to come!

Here is a link to a slide show for the presentation at Northwestern. Enjoy!
http://news.medill.northwestern.edu/chicago/ss.aspx?id=157560

IGC Expands in 2010!

Perhaps most of you have heard, but I am so excited to announce the much-anticipated inclusion of the heterosexual community into the IGC family! This is something I've been asked about over the years - why don't I include straight people? My answer was always the same "Straight people have enough services - they don't need anymore." Looking back, I see that answer was pretty lame.

What if Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's had said "No one is going to come here when there's MacDonalds!"

What if Steve Wozniak, the builder of the first Apple computer, had thought "Why would anyone need more than one computer manufacturer?"

What if Starbuck's only served one type of coffee drink?? Oh, the horror!

There is always room for competition. There is not a finite amount of success that's available - it's unlimited. And do not think that using those mega-corporations as examples was a joke. We do good work here at IGC, I believe in this company, and I plan on growing it into a multi-national, multi-billion dollar enterprise. We are going to be a force to be reckoned with in the dating industry, and it starts happening in 2010!