Dykes Market

A relative of a friend was in Hawaii recently and discovered "Dykes Market", which she texted to my (lesbian) friend who then told me. We immediately began musing on how great it would be to have a REAL Dykes Market from which we could choose a great woman.

(Sidenote: I have always called myself a "dyke", even though my "official" label would be femme. Dyke is not a derogatory term for me, nor have I ever used it as such. Because if I embrace it, then being called it cannot be hurtful or mean or shameful. To me, dyke is synonymous with lesbian. Moving on...)

Back to Dykes Market. How great to be able to walk into a store and have so many different lesbians to choose from, perhaps along with some fabulous cheese. "I'll take those peonies, the soft stud with the great hair, and a wedge of the Maytag bleu, please." Genius! It's like a perfect Friday night all found at one store: Dykes Market.

The dykes would all be single, of course, and in their natural settings. Be it relaxing with a beer on a bar stool, on her Blackberry in a business suit, or making a hemp bracelet for her future buyer.

There would be a return policy with a receipt, or at least a store credit without one. You know, if they start to get mouthy. There would be different departments, depending on what you want: soft studs, bois, butch, soft butch, lipstick - the list would go on and on!

Once they were all broken up into departments, they would be put in order of attraction/price. There could even be a clearance rack for those who've been hit hard in these tough economic times. Filet Mignon all the way to ground beef, if you will.

My friend decided she'll get a new one every year with her tax refund.

What would YOU like to see at Dykes Market?

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #7

7. Only Talking About Yourself/Not Showing An Interest In Your Date

My clients are an accomplished group - doctors, big-shot lawyers, CEO's, published authors, etc etc. They have a lot to talk about! But sometimes we can get so focused on ourselves that we forget to find out about the other person. It makes it especially harder if your date is someone who asks a lot of questions and encourages you to keep your monologue going.

Resist! I hear so many times from my clients "well, I know a lot more about him than he knows about me." If you haven't been to my dating workshops, one of the important things we talk about is "Give Information, then Get Information." This is the cornerstone of a good conversation.

Like the previous entry, you might be thinking, "duh!" But again, you'd be surprised how often I hear the above feedback.

"Give information, then get information" is also a very useful tool when starting a new conversation with someone you don't know. We all hate that "awkward silence" that can occur when you've met someone for the first time, or you're waiting for your food to arrive at the restaurant and you feel you've exhausted all your conversation starters. Even if the question is, "So what's your favorite color?" you can start a conversation from there if you make it a point to give information, then get information.

For example:

Person A: So, what's your favorite color?

Person B: I really like red a lot. I used to have a dining room that I painted red and it really created such a warm and inviting environment for when I entertained. I love to cook and have friends over - even if it's a casual night. What about you -do you like to cook and entertain?

If you make the effort, you can turn a bland question into a conversation about the two of you where you are actually getting useful information about your date. Before you know it, viola! You're in a full-blown conversation and it soon becomes effortless.

A good rule of thumb is something salespeople are often taught: If you feel like you're talking too much, you probably are. Stop the "period" sentences, and start with the questions: and give the other person a chance to tell you about themselves.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #8

8. No Eye Contact

Ever had a date with someone and about 20 minutes in, you're just about begging them to LOOK AT YOU? I actually said that to someone I went on a date with 5 years ago. Perhaps it's the matchmaker in me, but I just couldn't take it anymore and finally slammed my hand down on the table to get her attention and said, "Julie! Look at me!"

She was a fine conversationalist, but she just refused to look me in the eye. Unfortunately the lack of eye contact superseded all the other great qualities about her. A second date was out of the question.

When you're on a date, you must look the other person in the eye. I know what you're thinking: duh! But you'd be surprised at how often I hear this from my clients. When you're not giving your full attention to your date, they can see it and feel it. It makes for an awkward conversation, with your date wondering the entire time "why isn't he/she looking at me?"

I've said it before numerous times: your first date is like a job interview. Can you imagine being on a job interview and not looking the interviewee in the eye? Of course not! You must show your confidence and interest in the person (job).

Besides, lack of eye contact can make you appear restless, easily distracted, and fidgety. Are those the impressions you want your date to have of you?

From now on, make a special effort to focus on the person you're talking with, and see if you catch yourself looking around for distractions. And goodness knows - stop looking at all the cute boys that pass by your table!! Your date sees that too.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #9

9. Name Dropping and Income-Indicating

If there's one thing that will turn your date sour in a heartbeat, it's bragging about yourself; and there is a very clear distinction between being confident and being arrogant.

Here at IGC, we attract a certain type of clientele. We don't have an income requirement by any stretch of the imagination, but our pricing helps ensure that we retain a certain level of professionalism, maturity, and stability within our client base. And when you have that type of person who is also genuine and down to earth, it makes it easier to get to know them because there's no pretense; whether or not they drive off in a Mercedes.

When someone feels the need to boast about who they know or how much money they make, it's a clear indication of a lack of self-esteem. If you feel the need to self-aggrandize in order to "sell" yourself to your date, it's time to strip away the pretense. Having money and knowing famous people is great, but it won't keep you warm at night. Besides, you need to be with someone who will love you regardless of how much, or how little, money you have.

Besides, it's just flat-out not attractive to "boast" for the sake of boasting. Keep your cards close to your chest so you don't attract opportunists. Remember, if you advertise it, you must want people to come get it.

As a very wealthy woman once told me, "When you reach a certain level of professional and financial success, you realize that you don't really want people to know too many details about you. If you make a spectacle of yourself, it cultivates a breeding ground of people who will take advantage of you and your status." There's nothing wrong with being confident and accomplished, just temper it with a bit of humbleness.

And as for the very wealthy woman I mentioned above? You can find her name on countless plaques across the city for her philanthropic work. Just look for the placard inscribed "Generously Donated By Anonymous".

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #10

10: Talking About Your Religion. Excessively.

Everyone has their own beliefs and their own way of expressing those beliefs. But just like politics, there is very little room for religion during first date conversation.

If you want to briefly share your beliefs, perhaps the church you attend; fine. But limit that conversation to 5 minutes MAX. Religion is such a deeply personal thing - and like most personal things, it should come out on the 4th or 5th date to be discussed in more depth. It's at this point that you and the person you're dating begin to really connect on a deeper level, sharing more intimate details that make up who you are as a person.

So keep first date conversation light, and save the more intimate conversation for when you are, in fact, more intimate.

And if you are a part of something where you feel the urge to tell people "it's not a cult", it probably is. If you hear that statement from your date's mouth, run. They have no room for you in their life.

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs: #11

11. Being Clingy

A good example of this is when you have a date with someone, they don't hear from you within 24 hours, so you get a text from them that says "Are we ok?"

"We"? There is no "we"! This is called DATING; not WE HAD ONE DATE SO NOW I'M YOUR GIRLFRIEND. Give your date some space and chill out. Not every date is going to hit it out of the ballpark for you, and vice versa. Some people find it easier to avoid the "Let's just be friends" conversation. If you get no phone call or email, then that's the message they're sending.

On the other hand, if you had a good time with someone, it's perfectly fine to text, email, or call them later to say so. Just don't get upset if you don't hear back from them. Yes - returning ones phone call is the polite thing to do, but not everyone does it (and we've all been there).

Here are some clingy behaviors to avoid when it's still early in the game:

*calling every day

*asking to meet the parents

*asking to meet their friends

*sharing too much personal information

*expecting them to help you out emotionally and/or financially

Confidence is sexy; neediness is not. Act accordingly!

12 Big Dating Turn-Offs

I find some people are their own worst enemy when it comes to dating. Either they think they're doing the right thing by trying to impress their date, or they're completely unaware that they are sabotaging things!

So here is the countdown of the Top 12 Big Dating Turn-Offs, one at a time. Keep coming back for more!!

12. Not Being Well-Read

You must must must keep abreast of current events. Even better if you can develop what I call a "wide range of intelligence". You should be able to discuss everything from politics to a favorite reality TV show, and everything in between. Think of date conversation as Chicago's very own Red Eye - a little of this and a little of that.

You need to be able to find a jumping-off point for almost any conversation starter that's thrown your way. You don't have to be an expert in world affairs, but you do need to know that France's President is Nicolas Sarkozy. You don't have to watch "Survivor", but you need to know that it's still on TV.

The more well-versed you are on various topics, the easier first date conversation will be. And if you can make it easier on yourself, why not?